Bruised

"Scar tissue that I wish you saw, sarcastic mister know it all."
-Red Hot Chili Peppers: Scar Tissue

We feel. We react. We are only human. As this summer winds down, I am learning more and more about myself. This summer did not turn out as picturesque as I had imagined. Maybe my expectations were a bit too high to match up with my reality. But that is not the point. The thing is, even in the worst situations there is some type of good, like the glass half full. This summer taught me inner strength. The kind of strength my mom obtained; the kind of strength I need now more than ever.

We feel. We react. We may hurt sometimes. We are all bruised human beings. And as every bruise arises, every bruise fades as well. This bruise, my inner scar, will fade with time. Although, time is no remedy to forgetting. And even then, I do not need that sort of remedy because I do not mind remembering. Because I know this bruise will clear up, and I will be as good as new. And in addition to that, I will be a heck of a lot stronger with the kind of strength my mom obtained. Because with this inner strength, I can be a single step closer to being more like her. And maybe gaining this inner strength will make her proud. I hope so.

All I know is we feel. We react. We will hurt sometimes. But we are all bruised, human beings.

The Rag Doll Who Knew

He knew me more; he knew I trusted him more. He knew my aspirations, my beliefs; he even knew my weaknesses. He memorized every inch of my skin. From the outside in, he knew me, Ella Marie DaCosta Cajayon. He knew too much.

Just like a rag doll he used me, because he knew me. Because he knew I cared about him, even after all the pandemonium he caused. Because he knew he could trust me. Because although he knew my aspirations, beliefs, even my weaknesses, he did not care. Though, there is but a single thing he did care for: himself. Just like a rag doll he used me, because he knew he had me in the palm of his hand. With the palm of his hand, he toiled with my emotions; with the palm of his hand, he opened my eyes to an obscure truth: it was all puppy love for him. Narcissistic, artificial, scripted reality TV relationship, heart-mending puppy love. And how I know that? I know that because if he was the "real deal", we would not be where we are today. Today he just another boy; today I am just another girl.

Yet unlike a rag doll, I know him too. I know his aspirations, beliefs, even his weaknesses. I memorized every inch of his skin. But last night, even he took it too far, even for me. Me, Ella Marie DaCosta Cajayon, the one he knew and was even right about, at least for awhile. You see, he knew me, past tense. He does not know me anymore. Because if he knows me at all, he knows that he will never, not even for a single second, be able to take advantage of me ever again. Because if he knows me at all, he knows that I am no ones rag doll.

He knew me, but here is what he may not know. Starting now, I have moved on from who I know him to be today. You hear me loud and crystal clear. Starting now, I am no longer heart broken. Starting now, I am jubilantly, independent, ready to stand on my own two feet and conquer the world. Just watch me :)

The "How Come's" and "Why Me's" To Heartbreak

"Let go. Why do you cling to pain? There is nothing you can do about the wrongs of yesterday. It is not yours to judge. Why hold on to the very thing which keeps you from hope and love?"
- Leo Buscaglia

I would like to say I have hit rock bottom. Actually let me clarify. It is not that I would like or enjoy to say that, but as of right now, deep down, that is how I am feeling. I cannot exactly explain here, but to sum it up: life could be better. And normally it would be right around here where I would start going off on never-ending complaints, mulling over the "how come's" and "why me's". But I am not going to do that this time.

This is my "how come's" and "why me's" to heartbreak.

How come I'm not going to complain? 1) Because that is rather irritable and 2) because I think heartbreak is, simply, a mental condition. Okay Captain Obvious! Of course, it is mental; let me further explain. Any heartbreak hurts, that is a given. But I think the impact of that heartache solely depends on how you allow it to effect you. There are always two ways to look at any situation, either with the glass half empty or half full. You could easily engross in your heartache and become tangent to your pain; or you could differentiate that perspective by perceiving your heartbreak as a lesson. I always say how relationships can mold who a person becomes; how relationships are what make us, us. Because relationships, whether good or bad, help us feel; they help us understand what is real. My point being that, although heartbreak SUCKS, I can become stronger, by acting numb to the pain. Does that make any sense? If I do not let my heartbreak get the best of me, I will become stronger. I will be able to uphold new relationships. I will be able to feel, and understand what is real again.

And why me? 1) Because I believe pain can make a person stronger 2) because what is satisfaction without pain in the first place? And 3) because it really isn't the end of the world! I'll explain chronologically. First off, I believe pain makes you stronger because, well I don't know about you, but it would put me at much ease, with the idea of being able to shift past this. If I could progress through this pain, then I can be content once again, and even better, I would feel so much stronger. I would feel strength in knowing I was able to move past my pain. And I don't know about you, but that sounds pretty good right about now! Don't you think? Secondly, can there really be full satisfaction without pain? If nothing upsets you, then isn't the good just the norm? This second idea goes hand and hand with the first concept, because for instance, if I could depart from all my hurt, wouldn't that feel satisfying? And wouldn't that satisfaction make me stronger? You don't have to agree, but that is how I choose to look at it. And lastly, heartbreak is surely not the end of the world. I refuse to ponder, "why me" to heartbreak because the harsh reality of the matter is simply: everyone experiences it. This heartbreak is honestly not going to kill me. And what does not kill you, simply makes you stronger, right? Well, I will find out, for myself, if that cliche can be considered a factual statement. Because no matter what unfolds, I will stand tall even if it all goes wrong.

Head Over Heart

"Head to heart as pen to paper.
Head to heart as cream to coffee.
Head to heart as me to you."
-Me (hah)

The pen, cream, and myself are the head because as the head we take control. While the paper, coffee, and yourself are the heart; as the heart you start it all: you are the reason the head must take control. My analogy probably sounds chaotic and confusing, but this should be no surprise. Because as you readers know, everything I'd like to say sounds significantly better in my head then in these posts. But to say the least, I try to explain myself, which is what I am about to do as we speak (or read, in this case?).

This summer I have learned a lot about myself and other people. Once again, I have learned a lot about relationships. I have realized how much I am influenced by my head and heart; both acting like my conscious. My head being the angel on my right shoulder, and my heart being the devil on my left. You see, I fully believe both head and heart go hand in hand when it comes to relationships. And as you will see, I am kind of stuck in a fork in the road right now.

There's this boy; there always is. But this boy isn't good for my head, yet he makes my heart skip beats. Here we go. I could swear, he makes me feel the unreal. With him, I feel invincible; yet with him, I feel so small. And why is that? Because I know he's no good for me, but something keeps me coming back for more. I would like to believe that I rather get hurt, then not know at all. But where is getting hurt leading me? It leads me to mistakes; it leads me to heartbreak. And then I have to ask if it is worth it all? Because if I follow my head, instead, nothing can touch me; nothing can break me. But in contrast, if I follow my heart, then all my walls are down, and anything could hurt me. And do I really want to risk that?

Here is what I have come to conclude. This might get messy, so keep an open mind. My conclusion is this: it takes the two. If you are my heart, then give me a reason why my head should let you in. If my heart only hurts me, then my head needs to move on.

Although these statements are boldly absolute, I'm thinking the absolute is the bold reality of it all. Whether we want it to be or not.

As in any relationship, it takes two. If one person is striving to make a relationship work, and the other person is just watching it happen: the relationship will lead to nowhere. And like a relationship, the head and heart work the same. It really takes the two. If only the heart is striving, and not receiving, then the head will just watch it happen: the heart will lead to nowhere, except pain. This is why the head has to take control. So I repeat one more time. If the heart will be stable, then the head can let it be. Yet if this heart is only broken, the head must move on. I hope I am making some sense right now. Whether or not I am, I will simply leave it at this. I must ask to please refrain from your heart over your head; because, although I may be wrong, I fully believe only hurt will come about. And I repeat,

Although these statements are boldly absolute, deep down, I think the absolute is the bold reality of it all. Whether we want it to be or not.