April's Fool

"I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, but I'm not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant."
-Robert McCloskey

Nothing is black and white. After all, that would be too easy. While it is so natural for me to accept the throne as the queen of over-analyzing, I cannot help but realize that by wearing the crown and taking that title would, in fact, be my very fault and that what I was looking for was right in front of me.

April fools, because I really feel like I have become April's fool.

You see, April made realize that I am so stubborn, so completely and utterly stubborn. My beliefs have always been something I cling onto like armor protecting me from discovering anything else. I guess it would seem cliche that the minute I laid down my armor and entered in a state where I was at my most vulnerable, that is when I would soon discover that my vulnerability would actually save me more than any steel armor of beliefs could ever protect.

April fools, because I really feel like I have become April's fool.

But this is the last day of April, and I am done falling for all the mishap. The joke was on me, however the punchline of this joke? That is exactly what is going to keep me going. I love the fall of a new month because besides a new month representing a page turner in my Starbucks planner (oh yes, I have a Starbucks planner), it is also a page turner on my reality. New days to cross or "ex-off", new memories to expedite.

I have never been more excited to face my vulnerability.

April fools, because April the only fool was you.

April fools, because now I will freely allow whatever crosses my path to come what May.

Ready, Set, Fall

“I don't like to hurt people, I really don't like it at all. But in order to get a red light at the intersection, you sometimes have to have an accident.”

-Jack Anderson

To quote one of my favorite 80's songs, Roxanne, you don't have to put on the red light.

The red light that made a not-so-Superman-like guy sigh after a two year battle with my heart. The red lights that consistently blind me like warning signs signaling when I believe I should be warned at most. The red lights that stop me out of fear of conducting and directing another sigh, due to another lost battle with my heart.

Ready, set, fall Roxanne.

Make those red lights switch to green. Be ready to stop the red lights you will encounter from fate-struck intersections. Set yourself for the greatest accident of all. Fall recklessly in love. Roxanne, ready, set, fall without any more road bumps or construction work along the way. Everyone is allowed to make a u-turn every once in awhile, but in certain areas, sometimes it is prohibited. Everyone is allowed to look back, but to a certain extent, sometimes looking back should be considered a prohibition.

Ready, set, fall Roxanne. Because these red lights may hold you back from the greatest accident of all. I promise if you wait long enough, these red lights will switch to green. Be ready, be set, and let it switch. Fall.

To quote one of my favorite 80's songs, Roxanne, you don't have to put on the red light.

And to quote my own advice, neither do I.

Recalculating

"Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?"
"That depends a good deal on where you want to get to," said the Cat.
"I don’t much care where--" said Alice.
"Then it doesn’t matter which way you go," said the Cat.
"--so long as I get SOMEWHERE," Alice added as an explanation.
"Oh, you’re sure to do that," said the Cat, "if you only walk long enough."

-Lewis Carroll (Alice in Wonderland)

We were clearly lost, traveling as many miles as the words we spoke: too many and completely wrong. My cold words finally crushed that kid, that kid who was the All-Met Washington Post champion against them, that kid who fought and won every battle of my heart. We were clearly lost, begging the GPS to take us back to our final destination: home, where the heart is.

Recalculating.

That word, like a broken record, repeated on in the car with that kid; that word, like a broken record, that repeated on in my heart. While a GPS can navigate you from point A to point B, regardless of how many wrong turns you have encountered since point A, I could only wish of a GPS that could navigate me from point A to my point B, a GPS that could direct me through step-by-step instructions to my heart, regardless of how many wrong turns I had made since point A. As each "recalculation" was computed, I could not help but wonder, how many wrong turns until the final destination? The final destination being my home; the final destination being my solution to where the heart is.

Too many miles traveled and completely wrong words spoken later, we had arrived home. Yet not even a GPS could manage to direct us away from a fork in the road, the torn decision in my heart.

Recalculating.

While I am no longer lost in the car, I find myself constantly questioning, "are we there yet?" All I know is that once I am there, I will no longer have to wonder how many wrong turns until I reach the final destination. All I know is that once I am there, there will be nothing more to recalculate.