The Heart of the Matter

"Wheresoever you go, go with all your heart."

-Confucius

While Valentine's Day is within a week away, I cannot help but feel disarrayed. Valentine's Day, probably the single most anticipated and yet single most suppressed day out of the entire year, a "Hallmark" holiday as some would insist, is practically eating at me.

You'll see that in this blog, I have written about relationships, rather it be friendships, heartache, or the epitome of what Valentine's Day is all about.

But from what I am concerned with at this very moment, in this particular post, the heart of the matter is solely examining the matters of the heart. Ha, can you tell I am disarrayed yet?

You'll see that in each of these posts of mine, I have written the words I had spoken and the words I compiled as building blocks to create walls guarding my heart. After-all, a vast reason why I wrote in the first place was due to feeling hurt.

So with this post, should one conclude that I am hurt, once again? Not necessarily. As I stated above from what I am concerned with, at this very moment, in this particular post, is to solely examine the matters of the heart, that is the heart of the matter this time. And the matters of my heart are that I contradict myself. Here I am, in a practically heaven-blessed relationship with truly one of the sweetest guy I know, and yet, I feel baffled. When he is present and right in front of me, I allow myself to fall head over heels. Yet when his presence vanishes away, I allow myself to fall head over heels for cold words. My cold words, which hold the same intention of the words I utilize in this blog to create the building blocks of the walls protecting my heart. My cold words, the words I know are fictional, but I say and believe anyway.

What I am trying to say is that I wish I did not get myself into these verbal messes. Even this entire blog post feels like one huge verbal mess. I cannot stand to be in this verbal mess any longer, I just want to know why I do this, why I speak cold, fictional words to guard my heart.

Since when was bitterness the solution to strength?

In truth, I do not have a clear-cut answer for this habit of mine, yet. But I will conclude this verbal mess with a challenge. My challenge is to hold onto the lucky, rare love I have now and allow my heart to embrace everything coming its' way, even with the risks that may follow. My challenge is to take the heart of the matter, which is the matters of my heart, and allow my heart to lead all matters.

How's that for a verbal mess? I can only hope it will be my last, and I am challenging myself to find out.