Recalculating

"Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?"
"That depends a good deal on where you want to get to," said the Cat.
"I don’t much care where--" said Alice.
"Then it doesn’t matter which way you go," said the Cat.
"--so long as I get SOMEWHERE," Alice added as an explanation.
"Oh, you’re sure to do that," said the Cat, "if you only walk long enough."

-Lewis Carroll (Alice in Wonderland)

We were clearly lost, traveling as many miles as the words we spoke: too many and completely wrong. My cold words finally crushed that kid, that kid who was the All-Met Washington Post champion against them, that kid who fought and won every battle of my heart. We were clearly lost, begging the GPS to take us back to our final destination: home, where the heart is.

Recalculating.

That word, like a broken record, repeated on in the car with that kid; that word, like a broken record, that repeated on in my heart. While a GPS can navigate you from point A to point B, regardless of how many wrong turns you have encountered since point A, I could only wish of a GPS that could navigate me from point A to my point B, a GPS that could direct me through step-by-step instructions to my heart, regardless of how many wrong turns I had made since point A. As each "recalculation" was computed, I could not help but wonder, how many wrong turns until the final destination? The final destination being my home; the final destination being my solution to where the heart is.

Too many miles traveled and completely wrong words spoken later, we had arrived home. Yet not even a GPS could manage to direct us away from a fork in the road, the torn decision in my heart.

Recalculating.

While I am no longer lost in the car, I find myself constantly questioning, "are we there yet?" All I know is that once I am there, I will no longer have to wonder how many wrong turns until I reach the final destination. All I know is that once I am there, there will be nothing more to recalculate.

The Three Blind Hearts

The ability and the power to see eye-to-eye with someone can explain a lot, especially attraction. Naturally, people attract and band together based off of their beliefs, based off of seeing eye-to-eye. However when seeing eye-to-eye involves a telescope or beyond, achieving attraction can seem as distant as the ground to the stars. Now I know of the saying "opposites attract", yet it just seems more logical that people are more likely to assemble on behalf of mutual similarities. After-all, if I still like the Spice Girls and I meet a Spice Girl, we are most definitely going to get along smoothly. That can only be the most logical conclusion, right? ;)

Even within society, our generation is taught to stick in groups. In school students are divided into classes, in sports athletes are divided into teams, N*SYNC or the Backstreet Boys? Now particularly threesomes... and N-O, no! I am not implying what you think! But in all honesty, it seems like we're especially pushed to join groups of three such as: B-F-F'S, the three amigos, "snap, crackle, pop", the Powerpuff Girls (yes I really did go there), Obama's three favorite words, "yes we can", and lastly, the three blind mice, or what I will describe as the three blind hearts.

Now let me make this crystal clear: I am certainly not trying to single anyone out. My blog purposes for me to share my insights on a macro-level, to look at the "big picture" rather than the pieces. So here is my two-cents on the big picture, the big picture focusing on seeing eye-to-eye.

While the ability and the power to see eye-to-eye with someone can explain a lot, especially attraction; it can also explain communication vs. miscommunication. And here is the thing about seeing eye-to-eye, not everything is black and white. There is more to seeing eye-to-eye than sight. Even to be scientifically-technical, the eyes do not see. Eyes are simply a pathway for electrical impulses to reach the brain. The brain then converts these impulses into images. So, the eyes themselves do not see. Now there is another saying in which is less common than "opposites attract" yet holds a similar stance, "we can walk arm-in-arm without seeing eye-to-eye."

My dad always prepared me for the real world, reminding me that no matter where I am in my life, I may not always see eye-to-eye with everyone. So that is just it. To the three blind hearts, opposites do not necessarily have to attract and it is possible to walk arm-in-arm without seeing eye-to-eye and without changing your beliefs and without changing your sight. So to the three blind hearts:

"Close both eyes
to see with the other eye."
-Rumi

And to everyone else, please check out the official fan page that I have created for my blog just yesterday! I would love to meet and get to know every single person that has read and enjoyed my blog :)

Touché to Déjà Vu

"The wheel is come full circle."

-Shakespeare

Touché, déjà vu. You got me this time, yet I am thinking this is not the first time? The feeling of reaching a full-circle is a recent phenomenon in my life that has left me feeling pure awe, and anything except speechless.

As I am typing up this post about becoming full-circle, I must emphasize the entirety of this circle in which I have completed. Even as I am typing up this post about becoming full-circle, the nature in which I am typing this post has also reached full-circle! Hence, touché, déjà vu.

Last year, my first blog post in 2011 was an analogy comparing the spontaneous arrival of snow falls to the spontaneous arrival of relationships. In that post, I had come to a fascinating realization as to why we allow relationships to come and go in our lives. In similarity to snow, we enjoy the presence of relationships even with knowing the full knowledge of the risks that relationships can consist of, how relationships can fall into our lives like snow and melt right away. Considering I am typing this post while it is snowing outside, this is one of the numerous reasons why I have reached full-circle. No, not only because of coincidental weather but also because what I was planning on writing about in the first place.

I started this blog about two years ago, and in these last two years, I have emphasized the importance of relationships: the relationships that have arrived and gone, and the significance of these relationships and what they have taught me. And in these last few weeks, I have encountered experiencing the other-side of a story that fit similarly to what I had gone through and blogged about before. Hence, full-circle. Hence, touché, déjà vu.

As my freshman year in college progressed, ever so naturally, I found myself within a central group of friends. And as our friendships progressed, ever so naturally, there was a clash. However, ever so naturally, this is not the first time I have found myself in a clash; and coincidentally enough, the last time I can relate to being in clash, I was on the other side. The other side in which I was in the wrong, the other side in which I realized my mistakes, learned from them, and gained the knowledge of which so that I would never hurt anyone or myself again.

Hence to reaching full-circle, and the feeling of fulfilling the circle: the phenomenon in my life that has left me feeling pure awe in fully understanding why my past is my past. Touché, déjà vu. You got me this time, and I am fully aware now that this will not be your last.

The Heart of the Matter

"Wheresoever you go, go with all your heart."

-Confucius

While Valentine's Day is within a week away, I cannot help but feel disarrayed. Valentine's Day, probably the single most anticipated and yet single most suppressed day out of the entire year, a "Hallmark" holiday as some would insist, is practically eating at me.

You'll see that in this blog, I have written about relationships, rather it be friendships, heartache, or the epitome of what Valentine's Day is all about.

But from what I am concerned with at this very moment, in this particular post, the heart of the matter is solely examining the matters of the heart. Ha, can you tell I am disarrayed yet?

You'll see that in each of these posts of mine, I have written the words I had spoken and the words I compiled as building blocks to create walls guarding my heart. After-all, a vast reason why I wrote in the first place was due to feeling hurt.

So with this post, should one conclude that I am hurt, once again? Not necessarily. As I stated above from what I am concerned with, at this very moment, in this particular post, is to solely examine the matters of the heart, that is the heart of the matter this time. And the matters of my heart are that I contradict myself. Here I am, in a practically heaven-blessed relationship with truly one of the sweetest guy I know, and yet, I feel baffled. When he is present and right in front of me, I allow myself to fall head over heels. Yet when his presence vanishes away, I allow myself to fall head over heels for cold words. My cold words, which hold the same intention of the words I utilize in this blog to create the building blocks of the walls protecting my heart. My cold words, the words I know are fictional, but I say and believe anyway.

What I am trying to say is that I wish I did not get myself into these verbal messes. Even this entire blog post feels like one huge verbal mess. I cannot stand to be in this verbal mess any longer, I just want to know why I do this, why I speak cold, fictional words to guard my heart.

Since when was bitterness the solution to strength?

In truth, I do not have a clear-cut answer for this habit of mine, yet. But I will conclude this verbal mess with a challenge. My challenge is to hold onto the lucky, rare love I have now and allow my heart to embrace everything coming its' way, even with the risks that may follow. My challenge is to take the heart of the matter, which is the matters of my heart, and allow my heart to lead all matters.

How's that for a verbal mess? I can only hope it will be my last, and I am challenging myself to find out.