Happy Anniversary (War is Over)

Last week marked the kick-start to some of my favorite heart-warming holidays from Thanksgiving, Christmas, to a year anniversary with

that kid.

That kid who knew my past, and about my battle versus it. My past, like a prevailing force that always reminded me, always scared and taunted me about trust and relationships that have come and gone. My past that held a machine gun against any future relationship that embarked my way. Maybe I let my past control the machine gun; maybe I hid myself behind my past as a cover to why I should not trust and expose myself to any new relationship entering my path.

That kid knew my past, and unlike me, he fought back. Fought back against the army of broken friendships and hearts that were plotting to tear down any trust I had left. Fought back against every line and excuse I spoke to keep space between him and I, the space I flashed as a weapon to keep me safe from another possible broken friendship and heart.

That kid knew my past, and he did not let me use it as a weapon. He continually recites how he will be the one to prove me wrong, how he will not join forces with the army of broken friendships and hearts that are against me, the army of people who were once on my side.

That kid knew my past, and a week ago he won.

"Let's hope it's a good one without any fear.

War is over, if you want it. War is over now."

-John Lennon

Happy Anniversary, Elliot Ted Mondragon; the war is over.

The Clash of Transformations

October 19, 2011: that is what my school declared as fall break, a four-day release of pure, and utter freedom. October 19, 2011: that is what I declared as my third visit back home, a four-day release of pure, and utter nostalgia. Freedom and nostalgia, both separate and yet the same. Separate and yet the same like a collision, a Clash of Civilizations, or better yet, a clash of transformations.

While Huntington’s The Clash of Civilizations theorizes a future conflict between cultures, my clash of transformations theorizes my college life conflicting with my past. Like country-line barriers, the barrier between my life as a college girl and my life as a daddy’s girl practically repel against one another. I had felt like a complete and total stranger in my own home. And before I knew it, I found myself questioning the meaning of home. Because in this clash of transformations, the college girl had her city and the daddy’s girl had her suburbs.

A good friend of mine once shared that, “Life and people sometimes don’t mix. Times and trials and health and maturity sometimes make it impossible for two people who might be perfect together to communicate and operate and treat each other with respect just because they’re in two different places in life.” My friend and I were confiding in each other about our past, including of course, relationships! And when reminiscing about our past relationships, we both concluded that the quote above could be a possible explanation for why people come and go, which has always been a giant question mark in my book. But while concluding why people come and go, the quote above also revealed to me some insight to what I consider my clash of transformations.

Like stated above, “Life and people sometimes don’t mix… just because they’re in two different places in life.” That’s just it. I’m not saying there’s no way to settle the conflict between the college girl and the daddy’s girl, but rather, the college girl and the daddy’s girl are just in two different places in life. And while, “life and people sometimes don’t mix”, sometimes life and people do mix. The college girl will always have her free city and the daddy’s girl will always have her nostalgic suburbs; and I will always have both and call them my home.

dear blog,

i love college. these last two months words can't describe, so i'll let these pictures do the job. but don't think this is the last you've heard of me.

love always,

The Good in Goodbye

Glassy eyes, luggage in hand, words of goodbye. These are the three components my parents have prepared for all their lives, as well as mine. Because you could say that these three components will intertwine, join forces, to what we will call: college move-in day. All the x's marked on the calendar in my head have mounted to this very day. The countdown is over; it's here.

Glassy eyes, luggage in hand, words of goodbye.

Now of course, I need to blog before I leave! After all, my room is the only place I have ever been able to write in. My room with the walls I have decorated; my room where my walls are exposed. Therefore, I must say that the idea of leaving my room, parting from all I have created and known, is a chilling yet radical concept.

Glassy eyes, luggage in hand, words of goodbye.

My mom is such a brilliant woman. She has been my guardian angel for four years now; and yet her past words still inspire me to this day. Before her last trip to the Philippines, she left her family with a food for thought, the glass half full per se, the good in goodbye. She told her family, and she continuely recites in my head for preparation for tomorrow that there is no such thing as goodbye, but rather, see you soon.

If I abide by my mom's words, then there truly is something good in goodbye. The presence of good is, in fact, the irony of goodbye. Because if I abide by my mom's words, then there consequently is no such thing as goodbye. Hence, the good in goodbye is that goodbye does not exist. With abiding to my mom's words, I can say that I am finally ready.

Glassy eyes, luggage in hand, see you soon.

Giving Up the Anchor

39 days. 39 days until my friends, surroundings, environment, my life will turn a complete 360. Because in 39 days, I am finally leaving for college. With this notion practically taking hostage of my mind, I frequently ponder about my past, my relationships, my mistakes, and particularly how I have gotten to where I am today. When doing so, the very constant, singular question always challenges me: why do people always leave?

I hope this post does not come across like an invitation to a self-pity party. That is not what I am trying to impose; simply, I am attempting to accomplish the reason why people relentlessly come in and out of my life. And what I am realizing is that the answer to my question is an elementry, yet reoccurring, inevitable concept. The concept or so-called answer is: change.

So here is my theory. Maybe relationships are like a free swinging door, because the people that enter and leave our lives are key components to a forthcoming cycle of change. Maybe these relationships are not granted to last forever because maybe in order to fully transform into who you are supposed to become, you must let go and free yourself of who you were and who you are now. Maybe these relationships that we can call our own right now, we must grasp on to, and enjoy to the fullest while they last. In contrast, maybe these relationships that we have lost are like anchors to our souls; they weigh heavy in our hearts, but if we struggle to hold on, we will never fully be able to become who we are deemed to be.

Before I stop my seemingly endless rant, I want to address something. Starting now, I do not need 39 days to face the inevitable. Starting now, I am freely accepting the fact that people will and always leave. Starting now, I am befriending change and giving up the anchor.

"Maybe the past is an anchor holding us back. Maybe you have to let go of who you are in order to become who you will be."
-Sex and the City

How to Grow Up- for Dummies?

Hey guys :) it has clearly been ages since I last posted! Reason being? These last few months have been milestones in my life, milestones that I can barely keep up with myself! The thing is, I have attempted numerous times to explain myself, yet each attempt has entwined to a vicious cycle of failure and I have now figured out why. These milestones that I have experienced, the milestones that seem indescribable, baffling, even unfathomable, are the the building blocks to growing up. Therefore, in order to write about these milestones, I must write about how I have grown up. So here is my personal, possibly formulaic (but probably not because I'm terrible at math) account/manual: How to Grow Up- for Dummies.

For starters, last year I learned about a psychoanalyst known as Erik Erikson. He had two major themes:

1. The world gets bigger as we go along; and


2. Failure is cummulative.

In short, Erikson believed that life is a series of challenges and lessons which help us to become who we are today. Hence in Erikson terms, I would be classified under two stages: identity vs. role confusion and intimacy vs. isolation. Identity vs. role confusion theorizes the idea that when one is between the age block of 12-18, one's development relies on what has been done to determine what to do. Consequently, this must explain why the events partaken in my life have influenced what I do and who I am. On the other hand, when one is between the age block of 18- 35, one is categorized under Erikson's theory of intimacy vs. isolation. This hypothesizes that at this stage in one's life, there is a desire to find satisfying relationships, which would then form intimacy. However if intimacy is not successful, isolation occurs. So consequently, I have lost many relationships in my life; and truth be told, I have aspired and pictured myself forming strong, genuine relationships in college. Therefore, if both stages are so applicable that they are textbook definitions of who I am and who I will be, then is that really it?

The thing is, I would hate to think that life is that simple, that I am that simple. In fact, a good friend of mine shared a concept that in order to define is to limit. So now with this notion, I believe that there is no single, dependent, probable way to define growing up. Because considering the statement above, to define how to grow up is to limit how to grow up. Therefore, the joke's on me. I just tried to sum up a personal, definitely not formulaic (proving how awful I am at math) account/manual to growing up. I just tried to define growing up, and by doing so I may have just limited myself to growing up.

Then again in perspective, that right there just emphasized what growing up is all about. I challenged myself to define growing up, and the lesson is that I simply cannot. Aka, this is another failed attempt to add to my entwined vicious cycle. Let me just leave it at this:

"I don't like defining myself. I just am."
-Britney Spears

American Girl Meets Paris-Premier Jour

"You know you're in love when reality is better than your dreams."
-Dr. Seuss

Two nights ago, I was in suburban Virginia watching Idol with my sister. Abruptly there was a change of scene. I woke up. To where? Only in the picturesque Odeon Saint-Germain, with a view of the infamous city of romance: Paris. I realize how literal I am with this Dr. Seuss quote, but I was truly stunned to wake up to something far more enchanting than what I had dreamt. This trip to Paris is my Dad's 18th birthday gift for me; how lucky am I?! Considering this will/and has already been the best trip of my life, I will share all my insights :) and if you find them boring, stop reading here because...!


Here's to le premier jour, the first day:

Shopping has ventured beyond a verb in the city of Paris. It might as well be considered a sport, an art, a lifestyle!

The food, I swear, must be sent from Heaven. Nothing in the world can compare.

Even the locations of cafes are magnificant! For lunch I ate on the rooftop of a nine-floor shopping center, with a view of the Effile Tower!

Bought a pair of shoes for over $100 (and euros too!)... never spent more than $30 on shoes until then.

Decided those shoes MUST be lucky because...!

... I got terribly lost when taking the metro, but met this really attractive guy that should be named the kindest man of the city, considering he helped me find my way to the Effile tower! I need to tell Nicholas Sparks about this so I can be in his next novel/movie...

Which therefore proves the stereotype that the French are snobby a myth. Because personally, I have met very warm-hearted individuals here!

I SAW THE EFFILE TOWER! Not just in hindsight, more like, I was literally in front of it!

I had dinner at 11 pm, on a Thursday night. Apparently that's the norm over here.

Ironically, I've probably consumed every cultural cuisine, except true French cuisine. But I still have three (and a half) more days here!

I have, by far, mastered the usage of: bonjour et merci!

Overall, I just have one question: Can I live here, forever? If I could sum up le premier jour, I would describe it as: unforgettable.

It's Not Me, It's You

"It's not you, it's me.": An infamous arrangement of words, possibly considered the most universal, renown break-up line.
**that is my personal definition, not just a copy and paste definition from urban dictionary.

Remember how I decided to do a "word of the month"? Well last month, my "word of the month" helped me acquire a part of myself I had never realized until now. With every failed relationship I was in, whether friendship or more, I have questioned myself. With every failed relationship, it seems as if I have dissected every little action I contributed to. My mentality: what did I do wrong? Notice this question does not consider the other side of the relationship or the dilemmas partaken during the relationship. Rather, this question investigates only myself. If you are wondering, my "word of the month" was empowerment. But where does empowerment chime in? Empowerment answers my profound, never-ending, contemplating question: it is and should not always conclude to what I did wrong. I should not believe "it's not you, it's me", but instead look at it as: "it's not me, it's you."

You, being my past.

The past like weight on my shoulders. But this gravity, I am letting go. And as a new month approaches, I will embark upon a new word. My "word of the month" for April is allow. You see, the single and yet most major flaw to emboding empowerment was my urge to perfection, which is how I came about my perversed mentality of reflecting over what I did wrong. This month, instead of aiming for unattainable perfection, I will simply allow. Allow new experiences, ideas, relationships, and even mistakes into my life. Starting this April, I cannot and will not control everything; I cannot and will not try to mold everything to perfection. However, I can and will allow whatever comes my way, whether good or bad.

So April, if you allow me to, I am ready.

One Year and a Coffee Cup Later

"If you don't create change, change will create you."
-Unknown

This morning I went to Starbucks with my friend only to discover ground-shaking news. Starbucks has officially released its new logo. An artsy looking women with thick, black-framed glasses called my name in the crowded room. I walked over to get my tall, decaf, Cinnamon-dulce latte and there it was, right in front of my very own eyes. Now if you ask me, the logo has simplified in meaning. By demolishing the actual title of the company on the cup, the symbol (the mermaid) could represent anything. Which got me thinking, has Starbucks lost all its entity? While I pondered such pandemonium I remembered that regardless of the visual circumstance one thing will always remain the same: its coffee. Therefore I believe that change is inevitable; change transpires. It is truly every second of every day. And lastly, change is life.

Believe it or not, it has been over a year since I have had my blog. This very notion has just occurred to me today, which led me to reread the first blog post I have ever written. While reading it, I had discovered a tremendous revelation, like an epiphany, there it was: my words, my thoughts, my everything at that period of my life. Like a flashlight, my words, my thoughts, and everything had shone right in front of my very eyes. Like a flashlight, it was clear just how much as changed, just how much I have changed.

So in comparision to my rant towards the new Starbucks logo, I believe it comes down to this. Whether I find it appealing or not, Starbucks will always and continue to renovate over time. While appealing or not, I will always and continue to grow over time. However, no renovation will ever affect the key essential to Starbucks, the heart of the company: their coffee. With this said, no personal renovation, nothing that may come and go in my life, will ever affect the key essential, the heart of it all: myself. Therefore I believe that change is inevitable; change transpires. It is truly every second of every day. And lastly, change is life.

PS-My prolonged discussion of change has inspired me to tweak my blog posts. Every month I will abide to a word, one to insprie to live. I will change my word every month because, after all, change is life, right? And just so you know, my word for March is empowerment.

Until then, that's all for now :)

Relationships of Snow

Today is January 26, 2011. However, if you were to ask any single person in the Fairfax County area, he or she would say the same thing: today is a snow day. The first snow day of the year. Surprisingly, it had not snowed on my birthday! That is surprising because, until this year, it has snowed on my exact birthday for the last five years (not approximately, but at the least). And with my birthday have passed comes a mind-boggling truth. I, Ella Marie DaCosta Cajayon, am 18. Eighteen. Whether in number form, word form, or spoken aloud, that fact has not sunk in, not even a little. But I will bring up that subject later.

Back to the snow day... it is actually snowing as I speak! Or type, I guess? And that is just it. With the arrival of snow comes this spectacular feeling. A feeling unlike any other; a sight unlike any other. The sky is painted a heavenly white, dropping speckles of snowflakes on the ground. But what is truly remarkable is the spontaneity. The unpredictable mystery of the actually arrival of the snowfall. Regardless of whether your local weatherman predicted it or not, the sight is still astoundingly ravishing.

Kind of like relationships? Like snow, relationships have the whole package. They leave one with a feeling unlike any other, and a sight unlike any other. This last year, people have come into my life like snowflakes on the ground. Completely unpredictable. Snowfall can vary in time. Some are dusting's; some are blizzards. Relationships can vary in time too. Some last a little while; and some stick around. And as snow melts, relationships end.

Relating to my own life, I can count how many relationships have ended, how many snowfalls have melted. So I must ask, why do we wear our pajama pants inside out, flush ice cubes down the toilet, and cross our fingers in anticipation for more? What is this obsession with snow if it melts? What is this obsession with relationships if they go? Bottom line is, beyond the insanity and absurdity, people love snow. People love to watch it fall, and build snowmen and snow angels with their very own hands, minds, and hearts. And in a sense, people do build relationships with their own hands, minds, and hearts as well. But do people love snow like they love relationships knowing there is an expiration date? After all, while snow melts, snow arrives once again as do relationships come and go.

Now back to my birthday. It is sad to think that the people I spent my 17th birthday with are not the same people who stayed with me through my 18th birthday. Just like snow, those relationships melted in time. And as the year lingered, I felt weak without the people that had melted away. But last weekend, on my 18th birthday, the people who were there for me proved the very reason why relationships are worth the risk after all. Just like snow, you love relationships, even with the knowledge that it may not last forever. And what a perfect way to start my new life, as 18; watching the snow fall as new relationships arise. I survived the blizzard of relationships last year. And most certainly, I can conquer the blizzard again if I must.

"Winters come, my love the winters go and time stacks up in piles like winter snow. And everything you love and hold so dear, it won't really matter when we disappear."
-Ingrid Michaelson