Time, Pride, and That Dress

"All men should strive
To learn before they die
what they are running from, to, and why."
-James Thurber

Oh how time, pride, and acceptance have entwined, at least in my life. As I mentioned earlier, this past year has been one of self discovery. Let me venture to you my thoughts, after all, I only made this blog to vent. So if this post irritates you, apparently I irritate you also, and so be it. This is my outlet; it These are my feelings and notions. Take it or leave it.

I believe that time has become my impatience, pride has become my weakness, and acceptance is attainable. First, let me explain why time is my impatience. I worry that answers to my troubles will unravel too late; I worry that wating for felicity will be a waste of my time. I am sick of feeling restless with my emotions, but only time will mend my thoughts, which is why time is my impatience. My impatience for a peaceful state of mind; my impatience for strength and happiness. But, I have faith that time will relinquish my impatience. I have faith that time will pave the way to answers. All I know is, everything happens for a reason; everything happens in time.

Now pride. Pride runs deep in my blood, it seems to be genetic. I'd always complain about how prideful my dad was, thinking I would never act in such a way. Turns out, I am possibly worse. After my mom died, I needed inner strength. I think this goal for strength has created a prideful exterior; a prideful exterior of disillusion and immaturity. Now don't get me wrong, pride can be a good thing. But in my case, it was not. I let my pride misguide my responsibilities; I allowed my pride to lead astray the idea that I am always right, but I am not. And thinking about it now, maybe it's a combination of my pride and stubborness that explains who I am today, but I believe it is mostly my pride. I let my pride mislead me to an eery concept, which is the concept that I am not always right; I need to accept it.

Now acceptance. Yesterday, I wore that dress. That dress I last bought with my mom; that dress I wore to my mom's funeral; that dress I had not touched since. I cannot explain what came over me that day. But before I knew it, I went into my mom's closet, took out that dress, and wore it. I stared at the mirror, reflecting on overlapping memories. I stared at the mirror, reflecting on myself in that dress; then realized why I had the impulse to wear it. By wearing that dress, after the numerous months it collected dust, I finally was able to accept what I cannot change. By putting on that dress, I finally accepted my reality. Though, as of right now, I am not too fond of it, I will embrace it. I will embrace my reality by standing tall, even if it all goes wrong.

I will strive
To learn before I die
What I am running from, to, and why,
Which in my case is time, pride, and acceptance.