Time, Pride, and That Dress

"All men should strive
To learn before they die
what they are running from, to, and why."
-James Thurber

Oh how time, pride, and acceptance have entwined, at least in my life. As I mentioned earlier, this past year has been one of self discovery. Let me venture to you my thoughts, after all, I only made this blog to vent. So if this post irritates you, apparently I irritate you also, and so be it. This is my outlet; it These are my feelings and notions. Take it or leave it.

I believe that time has become my impatience, pride has become my weakness, and acceptance is attainable. First, let me explain why time is my impatience. I worry that answers to my troubles will unravel too late; I worry that wating for felicity will be a waste of my time. I am sick of feeling restless with my emotions, but only time will mend my thoughts, which is why time is my impatience. My impatience for a peaceful state of mind; my impatience for strength and happiness. But, I have faith that time will relinquish my impatience. I have faith that time will pave the way to answers. All I know is, everything happens for a reason; everything happens in time.

Now pride. Pride runs deep in my blood, it seems to be genetic. I'd always complain about how prideful my dad was, thinking I would never act in such a way. Turns out, I am possibly worse. After my mom died, I needed inner strength. I think this goal for strength has created a prideful exterior; a prideful exterior of disillusion and immaturity. Now don't get me wrong, pride can be a good thing. But in my case, it was not. I let my pride misguide my responsibilities; I allowed my pride to lead astray the idea that I am always right, but I am not. And thinking about it now, maybe it's a combination of my pride and stubborness that explains who I am today, but I believe it is mostly my pride. I let my pride mislead me to an eery concept, which is the concept that I am not always right; I need to accept it.

Now acceptance. Yesterday, I wore that dress. That dress I last bought with my mom; that dress I wore to my mom's funeral; that dress I had not touched since. I cannot explain what came over me that day. But before I knew it, I went into my mom's closet, took out that dress, and wore it. I stared at the mirror, reflecting on overlapping memories. I stared at the mirror, reflecting on myself in that dress; then realized why I had the impulse to wear it. By wearing that dress, after the numerous months it collected dust, I finally was able to accept what I cannot change. By putting on that dress, I finally accepted my reality. Though, as of right now, I am not too fond of it, I will embrace it. I will embrace my reality by standing tall, even if it all goes wrong.

I will strive
To learn before I die
What I am running from, to, and why,
Which in my case is time, pride, and acceptance.

William Fitzsimmons

"We'll fall just like stars being hung by only string. Everything, everything here is gone."
-William Fitzsimmons: I Don't Feel It Anymore

If you're reading this, Superman, I think you should introduce yourself to William Fitzsimmons. Get to know him, and I'd like to believe that you may agree with him; I think he has the answers. I really do.

PS- And to everyone else, hang tight. I'm not done just yet.

Chapter Two

"Everything in life is connected somehow. You may have to dig deep to find it but its there. Everything is the same even though its different. Somehow everything connects back with your life. The faces in certain places may be different, but the situation is the same. Irony is a hidden factor that creeps around us in life, letting its presence felt only after it has left. Picture back to a year ago and the situation you were in. Look at how things are different yet somehow everything it still in someway cognate. Everything connects together to form the balance of life, to maintain structure. Change is and always will be inevitable, but everything is relative, and all the moments and times in your life will come back around again, you just might find yourself on the other side of the coin. Things are always changing, as fast as everything stays the same.”
-Unknown

Looks like I'm back. Sorry if you guys missed me, but don't fear, I have so much to say! Most likely,this post will be all over the place. So prepare yourselves. As some of you may know, I took the last two weeks off from writing, because I needed space. I needed to recollect my thoughts. I was caught in a situation, where I lost my identity, in a sense. As I had said in my previous post, everything I had once believed in slapped me in the face. I was wrong about: everything. And that terrified me.

There was this one guy, he was practically Superman to me. I let him save me for awhile; but we're at the end of a chapter. Superman has other people to save. And although, Superman wasn't so super after all; he will always be my first. First love, first kiss, first heartbreak, first everything. He will always be chapter one. But now I'm ready; ready for my first second. And whomever becomes my second, will definitely not be my sloppy second. I know my second will be better for me, he will be chapter two.

I'm starting to realize the idea that relationships correlate with time. There's a time and place for everything. Superman was chapter one, and maybe it's time to move on to a second chapter, chapter two with Batman? :) Or maybe chapter two, I'll fly solo. I don't know where chapter two will take me, but I am ready. I will be stronger than ever.

Chapter two has just begun, and it is already teaching me a significant amount of aspects; aspects of my life. Such as, independence is beautiful, brave, and possible to attain. Such as, acceptance is beautiful, brave, and possible to attain; learning to accept that I deserve the best. Superman gave me the best at one point in my life, yet there's a reason why books are divided into chapters. If a person lived in a single phase his whole life, he would never grow. A book contains chapters, to distinguish a character's development. Superman was chapter one in my book, but Superman won't rescue me forever. My life needed someone new into the equation; my life needs chapter two. Whether chapter two will be filled with hurt, despair, or happiness, or all the above, it is up to me, and only myself, to find out. I am ready. I am ready, with open arms, to take the next step, I'm ready for chapter two.

Where's Miss Independent?

It sucks knowing everything you had ever believed in, was a complete lie. I don't think I'm going to be blogging for a while, but when I do, I'll be s t r o n g e r than ever.