Come What May

May is a new month filled with new days, and new experiences. It has only been three days in, and already, it has arised with a bang. May is the last month of Spring, and the month of Mother's Day. This last month of Spring, I'll spend "Spring cleaning". Pun actually intended. But I don't mean the literal definition; well actually, if you know me at all, you know I'm a bit of a neat freak, so I might mean this literally too. But what I also mean is I'll clean away from every thing that has brought me down, which lately has been a lot. I will be strong and true to myself. I think I try too hard to be happy, and I believe that's making me artificial. Starting now: I will let life be, while standing strong and staying true.

Now as I noted earlier, May is also the month of Mother's Day. Since I cannot show my appreciation for my mom physically, I will write to her every day. Sounds crazy, sounds repetious, sounds obsessive? Possibly. But while she was alive, I was selfish and did not even show the littlest of appreciation. And this has affected me ever since she left to be with the angels in Heaven. Yet, maybe coincidentally, the last Mother's Day I was able to spend with her, I actually took the time to make her a gift (I'm telling you, I was a self-conceited brat). But let's get back to the gift. The gift was a video my sister and I made. We each listed what we loved about her, both abstract and concrete points, then afterwards sang "Mama" by the Spice Girls. I remember seeing her cry, and how I tried to hold in my tears. Because seeing her reaction, seeing her tears, made a change in me. It made a change, a realization of not only my ignorance, but also how absent-minded I was. It made me acknowledge that saying "I love you" to your parents isn't just for little kids. It is definitely not childish nor embarassing. It is, simply, love. It means some thing, no matter what age you say it or whom you say it to. And although I was ignorant, that is my past. And nothing's like the present.

And the present is May, filled with new days, and new experiences. And I will embrace this new month by displaying my appreciation for my Mom. Just because she isn't physically here, doesn't necessarily mean it is too late. Just because she isn't physically here, doesn't change the fact that she is still my mom. A woman who inspires me every day. A woman who believes in me. The woman I want to be just like some day. A dreamer, a believer, a joker, a freaking rock star. My mom.

Forever rest in peace ♥

June 27, 2007

"She never quite leaves her children at home, even when she doesn't take them along."
-Margaret Culkin Banning