There this is; there I am.

“Destiny is no matter of chance. It is a matter of choice: it is not a thing to be waited for, it is a thing to be achieved.”
-William Jennings Bryan

Under the Merriam-Webster Dictionary, destiny is defined as:

1. something to which a person or thing is destined: fortune.
2. a predetermined course of events often held to be an irresistible power or agency.

As the cliche goes, "Everything happens for a reason." That cliche is a motto I live by. It helps me reason where I am today. I always wind up asking myself, in times of turmoil, if "this" is really it; if "this" was God's plan all along. I always wind up pondering about every action I have acted on; and how each step has brought me here. Then I ask, is "this" what I want? What is "this", anyway? Currently, "this" is a seventeen year old girl; a girl who protects her sister, and herself: a girl who misses her mother. "This" is a girl who hides, when she wants to soar. "This" is a girl who wants to embody strength. But is "this" my fate; my destiny?

Fate and destiny can go hand and hand, as much as their differences can stark in comparison. While your fate may be your destiny, don't you, in a way, choose if destiny is your fate? I don't know if I'm making any sense, but I'll try to further explain. If one wants to pursue his dream, who is to say that his dream is his fate? Only one's motivation to his destiny can take him "there". What do I mean by "there"? When I say "there", I mean living what you want "this" to be. When I say "there", I mean the idea of one's "this" and "there" being aligned; to have your fate match up with your destiny. Maybe I sound crazy, but maybe I could be going somewhere with this.

Now I am going to try to prove my idea, my hypothesis, accurate. I will try to live a life I want; so my "this" will be "there" in my future. And if it all goes wrong, I will stand tall, because as the cliche goes, "Everything happens for a reason." And maybe what I believe my destiny is, may not be the one for me. I will have to live "this" life, my life, and find out what "there" is for me.

Parachute

"The summit of happiness is reached when a person is ready to be what he is."
-Erasmus

To be honest, I haven't posted in a while because I am kind of clustered. I don't exactly know where I want to go with this post, but here's the thing. I made my blog to vent, to release every thing. So here is my raw, true, every thing.

I want to be: accepted, beautiful, strong, invincible and free.
But I feel: so small, so invisible, so fragile.

It is these feelings that overwhelm me. It is these feelings that scare me. These feelings, my little wrecks, act as cracks in the pavement; I don't want to stump on these cracks, wrecks, and feelings. Rather, possibly naive of me to say, I want to defeat gravity; and it is, my own gravity, that brings me down. Therefore, I want to fly above my cracks, wrecks, and feelings. I want to parachute into happiness. Yet a parachute, itself, has several parts, pieces, that complete it. To defeat my gravity, my cracks, wrecks, and feelings I need to find these pieces of me. Pieces of inner strength, genuine happiness, and the aspects listed above. It is these pieces that will make me fly.

And as of now, it is my goal, to negate each negative feeling, each negative piece of me. Starting today, I will negate feeling so small, so invisible, and so fragile. I hope to succeed; but more importantly, I hope that I will never have to feel this way again. And I hope my goal can rub off on, inspire, anyone who feels, or have felt, the way I do. Because Erasmus is right; in order to achieve happiness, one must be ready. And I am, absolutely, ready.

Come What May

May is a new month filled with new days, and new experiences. It has only been three days in, and already, it has arised with a bang. May is the last month of Spring, and the month of Mother's Day. This last month of Spring, I'll spend "Spring cleaning". Pun actually intended. But I don't mean the literal definition; well actually, if you know me at all, you know I'm a bit of a neat freak, so I might mean this literally too. But what I also mean is I'll clean away from every thing that has brought me down, which lately has been a lot. I will be strong and true to myself. I think I try too hard to be happy, and I believe that's making me artificial. Starting now: I will let life be, while standing strong and staying true.

Now as I noted earlier, May is also the month of Mother's Day. Since I cannot show my appreciation for my mom physically, I will write to her every day. Sounds crazy, sounds repetious, sounds obsessive? Possibly. But while she was alive, I was selfish and did not even show the littlest of appreciation. And this has affected me ever since she left to be with the angels in Heaven. Yet, maybe coincidentally, the last Mother's Day I was able to spend with her, I actually took the time to make her a gift (I'm telling you, I was a self-conceited brat). But let's get back to the gift. The gift was a video my sister and I made. We each listed what we loved about her, both abstract and concrete points, then afterwards sang "Mama" by the Spice Girls. I remember seeing her cry, and how I tried to hold in my tears. Because seeing her reaction, seeing her tears, made a change in me. It made a change, a realization of not only my ignorance, but also how absent-minded I was. It made me acknowledge that saying "I love you" to your parents isn't just for little kids. It is definitely not childish nor embarassing. It is, simply, love. It means some thing, no matter what age you say it or whom you say it to. And although I was ignorant, that is my past. And nothing's like the present.

And the present is May, filled with new days, and new experiences. And I will embrace this new month by displaying my appreciation for my Mom. Just because she isn't physically here, doesn't necessarily mean it is too late. Just because she isn't physically here, doesn't change the fact that she is still my mom. A woman who inspires me every day. A woman who believes in me. The woman I want to be just like some day. A dreamer, a believer, a joker, a freaking rock star. My mom.

Forever rest in peace ♥

June 27, 2007

"She never quite leaves her children at home, even when she doesn't take them along."
-Margaret Culkin Banning