Pinky Promises

"Security is mostly a superstition. It does not exist in nature, nor do the children of men as a whole experience it. Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure. Life is either a daring adventure, or nothing."

-Helen Keller

It was a turn of a page in an old scrapbook with paper that collected dust; it was a flashback sensation as if you are instantly transported back through time by a single moment. The words in permanent black marker read, "I pinky swear." Just like that, I was sent back to reality with those words permanently drawn on the paper and in my mind. It was that feeling of knowing those few words could mean so much and not even come true. This got me thinking about how I hold promises so high and mighty; this got me questioning the reason why.

It's phrases like "pinky promises" or "double-dog dares", we add supplementary words to a word itself to emphasize its very definition, as if the addition of words will reassure the definition itself. The thing about reassurance is that it is comforting and yet unnecessary. The thing about reassurance is it is like security. And the thing about security is that no one can truly attain it. Security is imaginary. It is this idea that we wrap into our minds to keep us together. But the truth of the matter is that no one can give a person reasons to keep themselves together except himself. And if security is real, it would happen through the means of opportunities that we take and where those opportunities guide us. Lastly, the thing about opportunities is that they are hazardous and yet thrilling. And unlike security, opportunities can "promise" you that you will discover whatever answer you are in search of. Maybe I just contradicted myself, because if you ask me, unfolding the answers you were looking for may be the greatest form of security a person could ever hold.

I pinky promise I never contradict myself.

I pinky promise that you should not hold security to that.

And I pinky promise you should give in to the opportunity of finding out if my pinky promises can be fulfilled or not.

I'm Moving Out

"The great thing in the world is not so much where we stand, as in what direction we're moving."

-Oliver Wendell Holmes

I am moving out, moving out of the white picket fence, picture-perfect home I have constructed in my mind into the crystal-clear glass home of my heart. A glass home where people can see right through the place where I truly live. I will no longer live under limitations based off of what will create a prettier frame. I will no longer handpick what I acknowledge and showcase. Rather, I will frame anything and everything through the looking glass.

In this glass home, I will unpack the items from my picture-perfect imagination and welcome the company of hidden baggage that collected dust in a forbidden attic. Exposure and honesty, that is glass. Exposure and honesty, that is reality.

To live like glass would be to live a sturdy, yet delicate, and translucent life. To live like glass is to be prepared to risk crumbling into little cracked pieces knowing that nothing worthwhile is ever easy to put back together. While my white picket fence, picture-perfect home had walls made of bricks, I know bricks are not the necessity to strength. I am moving out, because I am done paying rent over what I only choose to afford. Money is more well-spent when one sees just exactly what they are purchasing, when one fully knows the financial commitment they are becoming involved in, right?

So see ya later, white picket fences and picture-perfect homes. You will see me later when I allow you to see right through me, framing anything and everything through the looking glass.

April's Fool

"I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, but I'm not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant."
-Robert McCloskey

Nothing is black and white. After all, that would be too easy. While it is so natural for me to accept the throne as the queen of over-analyzing, I cannot help but realize that by wearing the crown and taking that title would, in fact, be my very fault and that what I was looking for was right in front of me.

April fools, because I really feel like I have become April's fool.

You see, April made realize that I am so stubborn, so completely and utterly stubborn. My beliefs have always been something I cling onto like armor protecting me from discovering anything else. I guess it would seem cliche that the minute I laid down my armor and entered in a state where I was at my most vulnerable, that is when I would soon discover that my vulnerability would actually save me more than any steel armor of beliefs could ever protect.

April fools, because I really feel like I have become April's fool.

But this is the last day of April, and I am done falling for all the mishap. The joke was on me, however the punchline of this joke? That is exactly what is going to keep me going. I love the fall of a new month because besides a new month representing a page turner in my Starbucks planner (oh yes, I have a Starbucks planner), it is also a page turner on my reality. New days to cross or "ex-off", new memories to expedite.

I have never been more excited to face my vulnerability.

April fools, because April the only fool was you.

April fools, because now I will freely allow whatever crosses my path to come what May.