Cooler Than a Wallflower

"Au rire on connaît le fou."
 -French Proverb

At a young age, I was taught to never eat with my elbows on the table and to walk as if my head and shoulders were attached to strings connected to the sky. From the moment I could talk, I was told to always think before I speak, annunciate the words "please" and "thank you", and count my blessings in moments of silence.

At 20 years old, I won four awards within the same week, and consequently all these awards seemed to reiterate on a common theme of positivity. Upon receiving these awards, I could not help but elude how proud I was of myself, since I have always portrayed myself as a wallflower. On top of that, I was almost positive that I had relinquished my title of a wallflower, after I won first place in the only real competition I have ever signed up for in my entire life. However my thoughts completely shifted when someone admitted that their favorite aspect about me was not when I am poised, which would credit to my awards, but rather when I am outspoken. 

This made me question whether or not I have truly exceeded past my days as a wallflower, and in fact made me ponder if maybe my infamous positivity and bubbly spirit have merely confined me even more so as a wallflower. As bizarre of a concept that may seem, it quickly translated into common sense that is as simple as my everyday decision on whether to buy coffee or not. Just like the coffee I drink that runs through my veins, eventually the caffeine I consume will wear off leaving me exactly where I started.

At a young age, I was introduced to coffee, too. Hence, full circle.

No matter how much cream and sugar I add to my coffee, my coffee will always start from coffee beans. Just like no matter how positive I am, or whether I eat with my elbows off the table, or walk as if my head and shoulders were attached to strings connected to the sky, or think before I speak while annunciating the words "please" and "thank you" as I count my blessings in moments of silence, who I am will always rely on where I started. 

I may be poised or I may be outspoken, and that is what makes me cooler than a wallflower.

Under Construction

"There is no art to find the mind's construction in the face."
-Shakespeare

I have never been a believer of coincidences. Yet when I woke up to white noise conducted by orange cones and construction work surrounding a place I call home, a change of heart rung like the alarm clock I needed, in order to grasp a long overdue wake-up call. 

It has almost been a year since I retired the occupation of "boyfriend girl", a career in which I consumed my heart into the arms of someone else's, because it felt safer there than in my own. I was 15 when I found someone who could hold the weight of my heart despite my monkey ears; I was 17 when I discovered that my heart could be safe in more than one person's arms; and I was 19 when I realized that I wanted my heart back. Do not get me wrong, the arms that held my heart were sturdy and secure, and I am beyond blessed that I was lucky enough to ever find a steady love, even more than one, to call my own. It is well apparent now how difficult that is to come by. But at the time, I wanted to challenge myself to become sturdy and secure enough to hold onto my heart without the arms of a steady love, and yet, still feel safe. However at 20, I am realizing that I am accomplishing quite the opposite.

Waking up to sudden construction work was the exact push I needed to realize that I do not need the sidewalks to feel safe. Tripping over the potholes on the street may be what is responsible for the orange cones that now surround my heart. But regardless of whether coincidences exist or not, those orange cones will not surround my house forever, nor will the need to protect my heart.

>40

Dear Dad, 
Here's to your birthday! If anyone asks how old you are, just say you are >40. And do not feel hesitant about saying that because we have heard first-hand of other people doing that! Also, technically speaking-- it would not be lying! 

Although this is coming from the girl who was a good enough liar to throw you a surprise 40th birthday party, the thing is, it really would not be a lie! You truly are so much greater than 40! I realize how bad that comes off, but I am not referring to your age, Mr. I-am-her-brother-not-her-dad! What I am trying to say is that you are so much greater than 40, because you are so much more than any number could measure up to or define. 

You are my dad, you are my hero, you are the weight of my world. 

I will always remember when we were in the hospital room and you told Anica and me that it would just be the three of us now. I will always remember the fear in your eyes when you broke that news to us. And I will always remember when I overheard you saying that if either you or Mom had to go, you wish it would have been you.

Those are some of the things I will always remember and these are some of the things I want you to always remember in return. Disregarding all our countless yet crucial mall outings, if there is one thing I could ever sincerely ask of you, it would be to take back that last statement. Granted, I would not even be the slightest all right without you or Mom. However, do not ever convince yourself for a second that she would have raised us better than you.

After all, you are my dad, you are my hero, you are the weight of my world. 

I aspire to be just like you. I swear, you deserve to be an official Marvel super hero, with an entire movie series production bought by Universal Studios, to commemorate all you have done for Anica and me. Yet for clarification purposes: Zac Efron would not play you. But seriously Dad, it is literally inhuman the powers you have, the strength you hold. You wear your heart as if it were an invisible cape, and you rescued us when we were in trouble. 

That is why you are my hero and the weight of my world; because you're my dad-- which makes me the luckiest girl alive.

So Happy 44th Birthday, Daddy! :) You are greater than 40, and likewise, my love for you is infinite.