Fourteen

"Imagining the future is a kind of nostalgia."

-John Green

Fourteen is a measurement defined by a number marking a moment on a timeline.

Fourteen could be the end of middle school and the beginning of high school. Fourteen could be a truth or dare first kiss, or a first attended boy-girl party. Fourteen could be singing into your hair brush to the Jonas Brothers. Fourteen could be whatever you allow.

Fourteen measures a defining number, as it has marked a moment on my timeline that I cannot help but wonder if I ever left.

I have a giant white board calendar hanging on my wall labeled with moments inked and crossed off in jet black expo marker. At the end of every day, I cross off another day and allow time to continue ticking. I was fourteen five years ago, and while middle school and high school are over, and while I can cross off having my first kiss and attending my first boy-girl party, and lastly and without hesitation, while I can cross off singing into my hair brush to the Jonas Brothers, I cannot help but wonder if at five years later, I am still where I was at when I was fourteen. Because for me, fourteen measures beyond just a defining number as it marks an immense moment of my life, which has possibly tainted how the rest of my timeline races.

Last week, I had a dream that I was in a white space surrounded by nothing and no one else but my parents who were linked together hand-in-hand with me in the middle. They were in their late 20's and I was maybe no older than two. There I was in a white space surrounded by nothing and no one else but the three of us. While the dream is a bit hazy, I distinctly remember my mom looking down at the two year old version of myself and then looking back at present-day me and smiling. There I was at my present staring at my past.

My grandma once proclaimed that the souls of your loved ones whom have passed away can communicate with you through your dreams. That was the first dream I have ever had with my mom in it since she passed away.

As I continually analyze that dream, a steady conclusion I arrive to is that my mom wants me to reflect on how far I have made it since the very beginning. While I look back, I see how many lightyears away I have grown since my middle school, high school, truth-or-dare first kiss, first boy-girl party, and Grammy award-winning hair brush Jonas Brothers singing days.

And then I remember being fourteen, which measures a defining number that marked a moment on my timeline that I cannot help but wonder if I ever left.

But it is five years later down the road on my timeline. And with my giant white board calendar hanging on my wall labeled with moments inked and crossed off in jet black expo marker, I will continue to cross off another day at the end of every day, and allow time to continue ticking.

Back to School

"They say that time changes things, but you actually have to change them yourself."

-Andy Warhol

Waking up to an alarm, ink on the edges of my palms, it is officially that time of the year: back to school. This year however, I hold on to a new task beyond a student as I now work as a resident assistant for my university! Change has always been something that I have embraced and feared. Yet while I equipped to face the new challenges I imagined I would endure, I found something far more fearful than change, in fact it is quite literally the opposite: stagnation.

It is as if I am back at recess standing on the playground in amazement of every option laid out in front of my very own eyes. For me, it is imperative that everything is visual and in my sight. Whether or not I should label that as a flaw or not, I must have every decision open and available for consideration. And while that may seem a bit excessive, I am starting to believe that maybe that is the beauty of the choices that we face.

Recently I have found myself in a very familiar and elementary situation, which would be conquering the school bully. The thing about a bully is that they are so engulfed in their insecurities to the point of allowing their pride and identity to be immensely affected. Although I am not threatened to hand over my lunch money to someone towering over me, I must remind myself that I cannot allow defeating, cold words or actions get the best of me.

It is like the process of elimination, each encounter presented our way will have several choices. They may not be as crystal clear as A, B, C, D, or all of the above, but when it comes down to it, you will eventually select your answer and discover if it is right or wrong. When it comes down to it, you will be faced with a 50/50 shot of handling a situation and if you believe you drew the wrong answer, do not hesitate reading between the lines of red ink. When it comes down to it, you may find yourself believing you drew the wrong fate, but scratch that mentality and read the red ink that lies between the lines and learn your lesson.

Maybe that really is the beauty of the choices that we face. Like the process of elimination, the "right" answer is always present and in front of you. It is simply just a matter of eliminating the obvious, questioning and exploring the vague, and grasping every reason why.

I may not have recess anymore, but as I am conquering my fears of embracing change, I am also conquering stagnation. However, I must realize that some things will never change. Waking up to an alarm, ink on the edges of my palms, it is officially that time of the year: back to school.

Check

“Give, and it shall be given to you. For whatever measure you deal out to others, it will be dealt to you in return.”

-Luke 6:38

I am such a list girl. With absolutely everything I do, I am naturally inclined to weigh the pros and cons because it is my way of controlling the world around me. Hence, I am such a control freak. With absolutely everything I fear, I am naturally inclined to avoid the unknown out of security. But if there is one thing I have learned this summer, it is to take those two characteristics about me, embrace them, and then let them go. If there is one thing I have learned this summer, it is to take these memories, embrace them, and then let them go as well.

Kind of like relationships? Check.

I feel like humans, out of instinct, envision the bigger picture of the puzzle before they dissect the pieces involved in creating the full canvas. And I feel like maybe that is where we are at fault. Throughout this entire summer, there were definitely days I would nag about dying over boredom. Yet as my summer is winding down, I look back and realize it is the pieces of the puzzle that create the picture, not only the puzzle itself. As my summer is winding down, I look back and realize it is each and every singular memory that define my summer, not only the summer as a whole. Kind of like relationships?

Rode and survived my first roller coaster? Check.

And like my first roller coaster, I realize that you can have the same exact moment with someone while you're going up and down the drop and yet have those two moments play out as the complete inverse of each other. If I had let my fears define my experience with roller coasters, then it would not have exactly fallen under the criterion of pleasant. If we let the bad memories of our relationships define the relationship as a whole, then it would not have exactly fallen under the criterion of a pleasant story to tell.

So there solves the puzzle to my summer and how I feel about relationships. Sort out the pieces separately, before you decipher its entirety as a whole. Maybe then you will dare to see the puzzle without a single spot tainted; maybe then we can truly look at the big picture.

• Donating to locks of love by cutting off 10 inches of my hair, check.
• Taking the Mega Bus for the first time, check.
• Going to my first baseball game, check.
• Having a new cell phone number since my first cell number from 7th grade, check.
• Peeing in the ocean for the first time, not ashamed at all and check.
• Learning some self-defense skills at 5AM, check.
• Facing my fear of heights, check.
• Going to an i-MAX theater for the first time, check.
• Bought my first pair of Steve Madden shoes, yes it really is worth listing and check.
• Doing things that can only be justified when you are still a teenager (so vague, but I'm trying not to get in trouble...), CHECK!
• Doing things that I would have never imagined I would do (also super vague, but at least I'm mysterious?), check!
• Allowing myself to be vulnerable, check.

Embrace and then let go.

Summer 2012? Check.