Back to School

"They say that time changes things, but you actually have to change them yourself."

-Andy Warhol

Waking up to an alarm, ink on the edges of my palms, it is officially that time of the year: back to school. This year however, I hold on to a new task beyond a student as I now work as a resident assistant for my university! Change has always been something that I have embraced and feared. Yet while I equipped to face the new challenges I imagined I would endure, I found something far more fearful than change, in fact it is quite literally the opposite: stagnation.

It is as if I am back at recess standing on the playground in amazement of every option laid out in front of my very own eyes. For me, it is imperative that everything is visual and in my sight. Whether or not I should label that as a flaw or not, I must have every decision open and available for consideration. And while that may seem a bit excessive, I am starting to believe that maybe that is the beauty of the choices that we face.

Recently I have found myself in a very familiar and elementary situation, which would be conquering the school bully. The thing about a bully is that they are so engulfed in their insecurities to the point of allowing their pride and identity to be immensely affected. Although I am not threatened to hand over my lunch money to someone towering over me, I must remind myself that I cannot allow defeating, cold words or actions get the best of me.

It is like the process of elimination, each encounter presented our way will have several choices. They may not be as crystal clear as A, B, C, D, or all of the above, but when it comes down to it, you will eventually select your answer and discover if it is right or wrong. When it comes down to it, you will be faced with a 50/50 shot of handling a situation and if you believe you drew the wrong answer, do not hesitate reading between the lines of red ink. When it comes down to it, you may find yourself believing you drew the wrong fate, but scratch that mentality and read the red ink that lies between the lines and learn your lesson.

Maybe that really is the beauty of the choices that we face. Like the process of elimination, the "right" answer is always present and in front of you. It is simply just a matter of eliminating the obvious, questioning and exploring the vague, and grasping every reason why.

I may not have recess anymore, but as I am conquering my fears of embracing change, I am also conquering stagnation. However, I must realize that some things will never change. Waking up to an alarm, ink on the edges of my palms, it is officially that time of the year: back to school.

Check

“Give, and it shall be given to you. For whatever measure you deal out to others, it will be dealt to you in return.”

-Luke 6:38

I am such a list girl. With absolutely everything I do, I am naturally inclined to weigh the pros and cons because it is my way of controlling the world around me. Hence, I am such a control freak. With absolutely everything I fear, I am naturally inclined to avoid the unknown out of security. But if there is one thing I have learned this summer, it is to take those two characteristics about me, embrace them, and then let them go. If there is one thing I have learned this summer, it is to take these memories, embrace them, and then let them go as well.

Kind of like relationships? Check.

I feel like humans, out of instinct, envision the bigger picture of the puzzle before they dissect the pieces involved in creating the full canvas. And I feel like maybe that is where we are at fault. Throughout this entire summer, there were definitely days I would nag about dying over boredom. Yet as my summer is winding down, I look back and realize it is the pieces of the puzzle that create the picture, not only the puzzle itself. As my summer is winding down, I look back and realize it is each and every singular memory that define my summer, not only the summer as a whole. Kind of like relationships?

Rode and survived my first roller coaster? Check.

And like my first roller coaster, I realize that you can have the same exact moment with someone while you're going up and down the drop and yet have those two moments play out as the complete inverse of each other. If I had let my fears define my experience with roller coasters, then it would not have exactly fallen under the criterion of pleasant. If we let the bad memories of our relationships define the relationship as a whole, then it would not have exactly fallen under the criterion of a pleasant story to tell.

So there solves the puzzle to my summer and how I feel about relationships. Sort out the pieces separately, before you decipher its entirety as a whole. Maybe then you will dare to see the puzzle without a single spot tainted; maybe then we can truly look at the big picture.

• Donating to locks of love by cutting off 10 inches of my hair, check.
• Taking the Mega Bus for the first time, check.
• Going to my first baseball game, check.
• Having a new cell phone number since my first cell number from 7th grade, check.
• Peeing in the ocean for the first time, not ashamed at all and check.
• Learning some self-defense skills at 5AM, check.
• Facing my fear of heights, check.
• Going to an i-MAX theater for the first time, check.
• Bought my first pair of Steve Madden shoes, yes it really is worth listing and check.
• Doing things that can only be justified when you are still a teenager (so vague, but I'm trying not to get in trouble...), CHECK!
• Doing things that I would have never imagined I would do (also super vague, but at least I'm mysterious?), check!
• Allowing myself to be vulnerable, check.

Embrace and then let go.

Summer 2012? Check.

Post-War

"I think the day you start building the war plan is the day you start beginning the postwar plan."

-Jay Garner

There it was, my fighting words I used to recite like bullets were finally said and done. And then, silence; I was speechless because everything was truly said and done. That is just it. The toughest part of a battle is not the bloodbath but rather the aftermath.

The thing about the bloodbath is that you are caught in the heat of the moment with a rush of adrenaline that must be met. Everything you fight for and believe in is laid on the table. The thing about the aftermath is that although the war is over, the real battle is conquering what remains. Although the battles during the war were said and done, the monsters we fought, whether won against or defeated, are still present.

It is inevitable that every battle must reach it's end, within every war is a post-war. Therefore these moments of war are only temporary; however these moments of post-war, these are the moments that linger on like tattoos inked into our memories.

So there it is, the inevitable; but that is just it. Although these monsters are inevitable, they are also inevitably just as harmless and imaginary as the ones under our beds, in our closets, and in our heads. We taunt ourselves with these monsters that we create with our own two hands, who solely survive on everything we are in fear of, everything that is left unfinished and unsaid.

The post-war is all about remembering the inevitable and remembering that these monsters are only as scary as we allow. Therefore these moments of war that I have with relationships are only temporary, however these moments of post-war that I have with relationships, those are moments that linger on like tattoos. I choose what I am allowing to ink into my memories.