Touché to Déjà Vu

"The wheel is come full circle."

-Shakespeare

Touché, déjà vu. You got me this time, yet I am thinking this is not the first time? The feeling of reaching a full-circle is a recent phenomenon in my life that has left me feeling pure awe, and anything except speechless.

As I am typing up this post about becoming full-circle, I must emphasize the entirety of this circle in which I have completed. Even as I am typing up this post about becoming full-circle, the nature in which I am typing this post has also reached full-circle! Hence, touché, déjà vu.

Last year, my first blog post in 2011 was an analogy comparing the spontaneous arrival of snow falls to the spontaneous arrival of relationships. In that post, I had come to a fascinating realization as to why we allow relationships to come and go in our lives. In similarity to snow, we enjoy the presence of relationships even with knowing the full knowledge of the risks that relationships can consist of, how relationships can fall into our lives like snow and melt right away. Considering I am typing this post while it is snowing outside, this is one of the numerous reasons why I have reached full-circle. No, not only because of coincidental weather but also because what I was planning on writing about in the first place.

I started this blog about two years ago, and in these last two years, I have emphasized the importance of relationships: the relationships that have arrived and gone, and the significance of these relationships and what they have taught me. And in these last few weeks, I have encountered experiencing the other-side of a story that fit similarly to what I had gone through and blogged about before. Hence, full-circle. Hence, touché, déjà vu.

As my freshman year in college progressed, ever so naturally, I found myself within a central group of friends. And as our friendships progressed, ever so naturally, there was a clash. However, ever so naturally, this is not the first time I have found myself in a clash; and coincidentally enough, the last time I can relate to being in clash, I was on the other side. The other side in which I was in the wrong, the other side in which I realized my mistakes, learned from them, and gained the knowledge of which so that I would never hurt anyone or myself again.

Hence to reaching full-circle, and the feeling of fulfilling the circle: the phenomenon in my life that has left me feeling pure awe in fully understanding why my past is my past. Touché, déjà vu. You got me this time, and I am fully aware now that this will not be your last.

The Heart of the Matter

"Wheresoever you go, go with all your heart."

-Confucius

While Valentine's Day is within a week away, I cannot help but feel disarrayed. Valentine's Day, probably the single most anticipated and yet single most suppressed day out of the entire year, a "Hallmark" holiday as some would insist, is practically eating at me.

You'll see that in this blog, I have written about relationships, rather it be friendships, heartache, or the epitome of what Valentine's Day is all about.

But from what I am concerned with at this very moment, in this particular post, the heart of the matter is solely examining the matters of the heart. Ha, can you tell I am disarrayed yet?

You'll see that in each of these posts of mine, I have written the words I had spoken and the words I compiled as building blocks to create walls guarding my heart. After-all, a vast reason why I wrote in the first place was due to feeling hurt.

So with this post, should one conclude that I am hurt, once again? Not necessarily. As I stated above from what I am concerned with, at this very moment, in this particular post, is to solely examine the matters of the heart, that is the heart of the matter this time. And the matters of my heart are that I contradict myself. Here I am, in a practically heaven-blessed relationship with truly one of the sweetest guy I know, and yet, I feel baffled. When he is present and right in front of me, I allow myself to fall head over heels. Yet when his presence vanishes away, I allow myself to fall head over heels for cold words. My cold words, which hold the same intention of the words I utilize in this blog to create the building blocks of the walls protecting my heart. My cold words, the words I know are fictional, but I say and believe anyway.

What I am trying to say is that I wish I did not get myself into these verbal messes. Even this entire blog post feels like one huge verbal mess. I cannot stand to be in this verbal mess any longer, I just want to know why I do this, why I speak cold, fictional words to guard my heart.

Since when was bitterness the solution to strength?

In truth, I do not have a clear-cut answer for this habit of mine, yet. But I will conclude this verbal mess with a challenge. My challenge is to hold onto the lucky, rare love I have now and allow my heart to embrace everything coming its' way, even with the risks that may follow. My challenge is to take the heart of the matter, which is the matters of my heart, and allow my heart to lead all matters.

How's that for a verbal mess? I can only hope it will be my last, and I am challenging myself to find out.

The Dream Catcher 3000

Dreams are a powerful thing. You close your eyes and your imagination steers you anywhere it wants, and when you open your eyes, wherever your imagination wandered off magically vanishes in a matter of seconds. But lately these trips that my imagination has led me overnight have contained these reoccurring themes, themes that have permanently captivated my mind. These reoccurring themes are composed of the ghosts of my past, the ghosts that have lived on despite the short-term second span of forgetting, the ghosts I wish were made-up and would remain transparent for the rest of time.

The Native Americans believed that the dreams we have overnight are messages sent from sacred spirits. In solution, they created what is known as a dream catcher, which appears in the form of a spider web. The holes in the web allow the positive messages sent from sacred spirits to enter ones sleep, while the web traps the negative messages.

It is times like these when I wish I could own some "Dream Catcher 3000" that had the technology to instantly and permanently devour all the negative messages and ghosts away from my dreams and my reality. It is times like these when I wish I could physically see a web of what I should allow to pass through the web's holes and what I should allow the web to trap and not permit into my life.

If there is any future Steve Jobs who is interested in creating the Dream Catcher 3000, or I suppose a i-DreamCatcher, then by all means: go for it. It would truly be the most convenient and efficient way of knowing who is worth over-analyzing and who is worth trapping in a web.

Then again, if this state of the art dream catcher were invented, this blog would be irrelevant and dead. Therefore, I take it back and leave it at this:

"Humankind has not woven the web of life. We are but one thread within it. Whatever we do to the web, we do to ourselves. All things are bound together. All things connect."

-Chief Seattle