Check

“Give, and it shall be given to you. For whatever measure you deal out to others, it will be dealt to you in return.”

-Luke 6:38

I am such a list girl. With absolutely everything I do, I am naturally inclined to weigh the pros and cons because it is my way of controlling the world around me. Hence, I am such a control freak. With absolutely everything I fear, I am naturally inclined to avoid the unknown out of security. But if there is one thing I have learned this summer, it is to take those two characteristics about me, embrace them, and then let them go. If there is one thing I have learned this summer, it is to take these memories, embrace them, and then let them go as well.

Kind of like relationships? Check.

I feel like humans, out of instinct, envision the bigger picture of the puzzle before they dissect the pieces involved in creating the full canvas. And I feel like maybe that is where we are at fault. Throughout this entire summer, there were definitely days I would nag about dying over boredom. Yet as my summer is winding down, I look back and realize it is the pieces of the puzzle that create the picture, not only the puzzle itself. As my summer is winding down, I look back and realize it is each and every singular memory that define my summer, not only the summer as a whole. Kind of like relationships?

Rode and survived my first roller coaster? Check.

And like my first roller coaster, I realize that you can have the same exact moment with someone while you're going up and down the drop and yet have those two moments play out as the complete inverse of each other. If I had let my fears define my experience with roller coasters, then it would not have exactly fallen under the criterion of pleasant. If we let the bad memories of our relationships define the relationship as a whole, then it would not have exactly fallen under the criterion of a pleasant story to tell.

So there solves the puzzle to my summer and how I feel about relationships. Sort out the pieces separately, before you decipher its entirety as a whole. Maybe then you will dare to see the puzzle without a single spot tainted; maybe then we can truly look at the big picture.

• Donating to locks of love by cutting off 10 inches of my hair, check.
• Taking the Mega Bus for the first time, check.
• Going to my first baseball game, check.
• Having a new cell phone number since my first cell number from 7th grade, check.
• Peeing in the ocean for the first time, not ashamed at all and check.
• Learning some self-defense skills at 5AM, check.
• Facing my fear of heights, check.
• Going to an i-MAX theater for the first time, check.
• Bought my first pair of Steve Madden shoes, yes it really is worth listing and check.
• Doing things that can only be justified when you are still a teenager (so vague, but I'm trying not to get in trouble...), CHECK!
• Doing things that I would have never imagined I would do (also super vague, but at least I'm mysterious?), check!
• Allowing myself to be vulnerable, check.

Embrace and then let go.

Summer 2012? Check.

Post-War

"I think the day you start building the war plan is the day you start beginning the postwar plan."

-Jay Garner

There it was, my fighting words I used to recite like bullets were finally said and done. And then, silence; I was speechless because everything was truly said and done. That is just it. The toughest part of a battle is not the bloodbath but rather the aftermath.

The thing about the bloodbath is that you are caught in the heat of the moment with a rush of adrenaline that must be met. Everything you fight for and believe in is laid on the table. The thing about the aftermath is that although the war is over, the real battle is conquering what remains. Although the battles during the war were said and done, the monsters we fought, whether won against or defeated, are still present.

It is inevitable that every battle must reach it's end, within every war is a post-war. Therefore these moments of war are only temporary; however these moments of post-war, these are the moments that linger on like tattoos inked into our memories.

So there it is, the inevitable; but that is just it. Although these monsters are inevitable, they are also inevitably just as harmless and imaginary as the ones under our beds, in our closets, and in our heads. We taunt ourselves with these monsters that we create with our own two hands, who solely survive on everything we are in fear of, everything that is left unfinished and unsaid.

The post-war is all about remembering the inevitable and remembering that these monsters are only as scary as we allow. Therefore these moments of war that I have with relationships are only temporary, however these moments of post-war that I have with relationships, those are moments that linger on like tattoos. I choose what I am allowing to ink into my memories.

The Queen of Pretend

“There's a difference between playing and playing games. The former is an act of joy, the latter — an act.”

-Vera Nazarian

The idea of pretending seems to be a generally-universal concept that we experiment with when we are young. With being young, one feels limitations. Hence the act of pretending is this idea that we can transport ourselves into our own little world that our imagination invents and where it desires to pioneer and explore. It is this idea that we can be anything we want in a matter of seconds. That is the beauty of pretending, we can get away from the real world for a little while and be whatever pops into our mind. However the flaw, or rather the truth behind pretending is knowing that no matter how deep we fall into the rabbit hole of our imaginations, we will eventually have to step out of the wardrobes of our own Narnia's and accept and return to the real world, which is the act of accepting and the returning to ourselves.

To pretend is to select perspective; to pretend is to devise what you see. As a kid, I was the queen of pretending. Pretending was a crown I wore as it was a game I played. However my mastery of pretending fell short when I realized that the mere concept should remain a game and nothing more. With beauty there is perspective, and just like that my perspective of beauty within my status of being the royal highness of pretending was in fact my flaw. No matter how long I wore my crown and no matter who I pretended to rule, the real threat and end to my reign would be the inevitable of snapping back to reality. As much as I wanted to stay queen, I could only wear the crown for so long.

I will always be the leader of my own world, however my imagination can only reign so far past my reality. To imagine is not necessarily to avoid. And as the queen of pretending, I can keep my reign of power as long as I remain consistent in imagining rather than avoiding.

That is the real trick to the game; that is the real trick to wearing the crown of pretend.