The Good in Goodbye

Glassy eyes, luggage in hand, words of goodbye. These are the three components my parents have prepared for all their lives, as well as mine. Because you could say that these three components will intertwine, join forces, to what we will call: college move-in day. All the x's marked on the calendar in my head have mounted to this very day. The countdown is over; it's here.

Glassy eyes, luggage in hand, words of goodbye.

Now of course, I need to blog before I leave! After all, my room is the only place I have ever been able to write in. My room with the walls I have decorated; my room where my walls are exposed. Therefore, I must say that the idea of leaving my room, parting from all I have created and known, is a chilling yet radical concept.

Glassy eyes, luggage in hand, words of goodbye.

My mom is such a brilliant woman. She has been my guardian angel for four years now; and yet her past words still inspire me to this day. Before her last trip to the Philippines, she left her family with a food for thought, the glass half full per se, the good in goodbye. She told her family, and she continuely recites in my head for preparation for tomorrow that there is no such thing as goodbye, but rather, see you soon.

If I abide by my mom's words, then there truly is something good in goodbye. The presence of good is, in fact, the irony of goodbye. Because if I abide by my mom's words, then there consequently is no such thing as goodbye. Hence, the good in goodbye is that goodbye does not exist. With abiding to my mom's words, I can say that I am finally ready.

Glassy eyes, luggage in hand, see you soon.

Giving Up the Anchor

39 days. 39 days until my friends, surroundings, environment, my life will turn a complete 360. Because in 39 days, I am finally leaving for college. With this notion practically taking hostage of my mind, I frequently ponder about my past, my relationships, my mistakes, and particularly how I have gotten to where I am today. When doing so, the very constant, singular question always challenges me: why do people always leave?

I hope this post does not come across like an invitation to a self-pity party. That is not what I am trying to impose; simply, I am attempting to accomplish the reason why people relentlessly come in and out of my life. And what I am realizing is that the answer to my question is an elementry, yet reoccurring, inevitable concept. The concept or so-called answer is: change.

So here is my theory. Maybe relationships are like a free swinging door, because the people that enter and leave our lives are key components to a forthcoming cycle of change. Maybe these relationships are not granted to last forever because maybe in order to fully transform into who you are supposed to become, you must let go and free yourself of who you were and who you are now. Maybe these relationships that we can call our own right now, we must grasp on to, and enjoy to the fullest while they last. In contrast, maybe these relationships that we have lost are like anchors to our souls; they weigh heavy in our hearts, but if we struggle to hold on, we will never fully be able to become who we are deemed to be.

Before I stop my seemingly endless rant, I want to address something. Starting now, I do not need 39 days to face the inevitable. Starting now, I am freely accepting the fact that people will and always leave. Starting now, I am befriending change and giving up the anchor.

"Maybe the past is an anchor holding us back. Maybe you have to let go of who you are in order to become who you will be."
-Sex and the City

How to Grow Up- for Dummies?

Hey guys :) it has clearly been ages since I last posted! Reason being? These last few months have been milestones in my life, milestones that I can barely keep up with myself! The thing is, I have attempted numerous times to explain myself, yet each attempt has entwined to a vicious cycle of failure and I have now figured out why. These milestones that I have experienced, the milestones that seem indescribable, baffling, even unfathomable, are the the building blocks to growing up. Therefore, in order to write about these milestones, I must write about how I have grown up. So here is my personal, possibly formulaic (but probably not because I'm terrible at math) account/manual: How to Grow Up- for Dummies.

For starters, last year I learned about a psychoanalyst known as Erik Erikson. He had two major themes:

1. The world gets bigger as we go along; and


2. Failure is cummulative.

In short, Erikson believed that life is a series of challenges and lessons which help us to become who we are today. Hence in Erikson terms, I would be classified under two stages: identity vs. role confusion and intimacy vs. isolation. Identity vs. role confusion theorizes the idea that when one is between the age block of 12-18, one's development relies on what has been done to determine what to do. Consequently, this must explain why the events partaken in my life have influenced what I do and who I am. On the other hand, when one is between the age block of 18- 35, one is categorized under Erikson's theory of intimacy vs. isolation. This hypothesizes that at this stage in one's life, there is a desire to find satisfying relationships, which would then form intimacy. However if intimacy is not successful, isolation occurs. So consequently, I have lost many relationships in my life; and truth be told, I have aspired and pictured myself forming strong, genuine relationships in college. Therefore, if both stages are so applicable that they are textbook definitions of who I am and who I will be, then is that really it?

The thing is, I would hate to think that life is that simple, that I am that simple. In fact, a good friend of mine shared a concept that in order to define is to limit. So now with this notion, I believe that there is no single, dependent, probable way to define growing up. Because considering the statement above, to define how to grow up is to limit how to grow up. Therefore, the joke's on me. I just tried to sum up a personal, definitely not formulaic (proving how awful I am at math) account/manual to growing up. I just tried to define growing up, and by doing so I may have just limited myself to growing up.

Then again in perspective, that right there just emphasized what growing up is all about. I challenged myself to define growing up, and the lesson is that I simply cannot. Aka, this is another failed attempt to add to my entwined vicious cycle. Let me just leave it at this:

"I don't like defining myself. I just am."
-Britney Spears