Post-War

"I think the day you start building the war plan is the day you start beginning the postwar plan."

-Jay Garner

There it was, my fighting words I used to recite like bullets were finally said and done. And then, silence; I was speechless because everything was truly said and done. That is just it. The toughest part of a battle is not the bloodbath but rather the aftermath.

The thing about the bloodbath is that you are caught in the heat of the moment with a rush of adrenaline that must be met. Everything you fight for and believe in is laid on the table. The thing about the aftermath is that although the war is over, the real battle is conquering what remains. Although the battles during the war were said and done, the monsters we fought, whether won against or defeated, are still present.

It is inevitable that every battle must reach it's end, within every war is a post-war. Therefore these moments of war are only temporary; however these moments of post-war, these are the moments that linger on like tattoos inked into our memories.

So there it is, the inevitable; but that is just it. Although these monsters are inevitable, they are also inevitably just as harmless and imaginary as the ones under our beds, in our closets, and in our heads. We taunt ourselves with these monsters that we create with our own two hands, who solely survive on everything we are in fear of, everything that is left unfinished and unsaid.

The post-war is all about remembering the inevitable and remembering that these monsters are only as scary as we allow. Therefore these moments of war that I have with relationships are only temporary, however these moments of post-war that I have with relationships, those are moments that linger on like tattoos. I choose what I am allowing to ink into my memories.

The Queen of Pretend

“There's a difference between playing and playing games. The former is an act of joy, the latter — an act.”

-Vera Nazarian

The idea of pretending seems to be a generally-universal concept that we experiment with when we are young. With being young, one feels limitations. Hence the act of pretending is this idea that we can transport ourselves into our own little world that our imagination invents and where it desires to pioneer and explore. It is this idea that we can be anything we want in a matter of seconds. That is the beauty of pretending, we can get away from the real world for a little while and be whatever pops into our mind. However the flaw, or rather the truth behind pretending is knowing that no matter how deep we fall into the rabbit hole of our imaginations, we will eventually have to step out of the wardrobes of our own Narnia's and accept and return to the real world, which is the act of accepting and the returning to ourselves.

To pretend is to select perspective; to pretend is to devise what you see. As a kid, I was the queen of pretending. Pretending was a crown I wore as it was a game I played. However my mastery of pretending fell short when I realized that the mere concept should remain a game and nothing more. With beauty there is perspective, and just like that my perspective of beauty within my status of being the royal highness of pretending was in fact my flaw. No matter how long I wore my crown and no matter who I pretended to rule, the real threat and end to my reign would be the inevitable of snapping back to reality. As much as I wanted to stay queen, I could only wear the crown for so long.

I will always be the leader of my own world, however my imagination can only reign so far past my reality. To imagine is not necessarily to avoid. And as the queen of pretending, I can keep my reign of power as long as I remain consistent in imagining rather than avoiding.

That is the real trick to the game; that is the real trick to wearing the crown of pretend.

Pinky Promises

"Security is mostly a superstition. It does not exist in nature, nor do the children of men as a whole experience it. Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure. Life is either a daring adventure, or nothing."

-Helen Keller

It was a turn of a page in an old scrapbook with paper that collected dust; it was a flashback sensation as if you are instantly transported back through time by a single moment. The words in permanent black marker read, "I pinky swear." Just like that, I was sent back to reality with those words permanently drawn on the paper and in my mind. It was that feeling of knowing those few words could mean so much and not even come true. This got me thinking about how I hold promises so high and mighty; this got me questioning the reason why.

It's phrases like "pinky promises" or "double-dog dares", we add supplementary words to a word itself to emphasize its very definition, as if the addition of words will reassure the definition itself. The thing about reassurance is that it is comforting and yet unnecessary. The thing about reassurance is it is like security. And the thing about security is that no one can truly attain it. Security is imaginary. It is this idea that we wrap into our minds to keep us together. But the truth of the matter is that no one can give a person reasons to keep themselves together except himself. And if security is real, it would happen through the means of opportunities that we take and where those opportunities guide us. Lastly, the thing about opportunities is that they are hazardous and yet thrilling. And unlike security, opportunities can "promise" you that you will discover whatever answer you are in search of. Maybe I just contradicted myself, because if you ask me, unfolding the answers you were looking for may be the greatest form of security a person could ever hold.

I pinky promise I never contradict myself.

I pinky promise that you should not hold security to that.

And I pinky promise you should give in to the opportunity of finding out if my pinky promises can be fulfilled or not.