Today is January 26, 2011. However, if you were to ask any single person in the Fairfax County area, he or she would say the same thing: today is a snow day. The first snow day of the year. Surprisingly, it had not snowed on my birthday! That is surprising because, until this year, it has snowed on my exact birthday for the last five years (not approximately, but at the least). And with my birthday have passed comes a mind-boggling truth. I, Ella Marie DaCosta Cajayon, am 18. Eighteen. Whether in number form, word form, or spoken aloud, that fact has not sunk in, not even a little. But I will bring up that subject later.
Back to the snow day... it is actually snowing as I speak! Or type, I guess? And that is just it. With the arrival of snow comes this spectacular feeling. A feeling unlike any other; a sight unlike any other. The sky is painted a heavenly white, dropping speckles of snowflakes on the ground. But what is truly remarkable is the spontaneity. The unpredictable mystery of the actually arrival of the snowfall. Regardless of whether your local weatherman predicted it or not, the sight is still astoundingly ravishing.
Kind of like relationships? Like snow, relationships have the whole package. They leave one with a feeling unlike any other, and a sight unlike any other. This last year, people have come into my life like snowflakes on the ground. Completely unpredictable. Snowfall can vary in time. Some are dusting's; some are blizzards. Relationships can vary in time too. Some last a little while; and some stick around. And as snow melts, relationships end.
Relating to my own life, I can count how many relationships have ended, how many snowfalls have melted. So I must ask, why do we wear our pajama pants inside out, flush ice cubes down the toilet, and cross our fingers in anticipation for more? What is this obsession with snow if it melts? What is this obsession with relationships if they go? Bottom line is, beyond the insanity and absurdity, people love snow. People love to watch it fall, and build snowmen and snow angels with their very own hands, minds, and hearts. And in a sense, people do build relationships with their own hands, minds, and hearts as well. But do people love snow like they love relationships knowing there is an expiration date? After all, while snow melts, snow arrives once again as do relationships come and go.
Now back to my birthday. It is sad to think that the people I spent my 17th birthday with are not the same people who stayed with me through my 18th birthday. Just like snow, those relationships melted in time. And as the year lingered, I felt weak without the people that had melted away. But last weekend, on my 18th birthday, the people who were there for me proved the very reason why relationships are worth the risk after all. Just like snow, you love relationships, even with the knowledge that it may not last forever. And what a perfect way to start my new life, as 18; watching the snow fall as new relationships arise. I survived the blizzard of relationships last year. And most certainly, I can conquer the blizzard again if I must.
"Winters come, my love the winters go and time stacks up in piles like winter snow. And everything you love and hold so dear, it won't really matter when we disappear."
-Ingrid Michaelson
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Sunday, December 26, 2010
The Ride of My Life
2010, where do I even begin? Well for one, this year has truly been a year to remember. It is strange; I can't fully describe it. But I guess I could start by saying that this year has been a roller coaster ride for me. If you know me at all, you know that I have never actually ridden a "real" roller coaster before, but that is only a technicality! And from the way this year has evolved, I can tell you that I most certainly do not need the King's Dominion experience to know what a "real" roller coaster feels like.
You see, at the start of this year, the ride began up and away. However towards the summer, that is where the ride really began. Because towards the summer, I faced a massive drop. Think of the most extreme roller coaster drop, flipping upside, plummeting massive speeds, facing motion of the impossible. Well whatever extreme you can come up with, that drop can describe where I was and how I felt at this time of my life. I can honestly say I had hit my lowest low, vulnerable and out of control. I lost myself within the drop. But now the ride is reaching its end, and I find that everything is being put together. Everything is finally starting to make sense. And I realize now that the ride would not have resulted the way it did if a single event was altered or had not occurred. But man, what a hell of a ride.
Looking back, I can tell you I am changed person. I have come so far, and regardless of where I stand today, good or bad; I am personally so proud of myself. This was a year of new relationships. Burning bridges, building anew. And here I am now, with less than a month left until I turn 18. Like baggage, I will take what I have learned and simply, carry on. Who knows what will come my way at 18? I can definitely say I did not imagine 17 being quite like it has lived up to be. Whatever the case, I am up to the challenge. And here I am now, waiting in line for the next ride: the ride of 2011.
Here I am now, but I'll leave it at this: rest in peace 2010 ♥
You see, at the start of this year, the ride began up and away. However towards the summer, that is where the ride really began. Because towards the summer, I faced a massive drop. Think of the most extreme roller coaster drop, flipping upside, plummeting massive speeds, facing motion of the impossible. Well whatever extreme you can come up with, that drop can describe where I was and how I felt at this time of my life. I can honestly say I had hit my lowest low, vulnerable and out of control. I lost myself within the drop. But now the ride is reaching its end, and I find that everything is being put together. Everything is finally starting to make sense. And I realize now that the ride would not have resulted the way it did if a single event was altered or had not occurred. But man, what a hell of a ride.
Looking back, I can tell you I am changed person. I have come so far, and regardless of where I stand today, good or bad; I am personally so proud of myself. This was a year of new relationships. Burning bridges, building anew. And here I am now, with less than a month left until I turn 18. Like baggage, I will take what I have learned and simply, carry on. Who knows what will come my way at 18? I can definitely say I did not imagine 17 being quite like it has lived up to be. Whatever the case, I am up to the challenge. And here I am now, waiting in line for the next ride: the ride of 2011.
Here I am now, but I'll leave it at this: rest in peace 2010 ♥
Monday, November 29, 2010
Puzzle Pieces of Peace
As the year winds down, I find that I am completing a puzzle. A puzzle containing pieces of mistakes, relationships, love and heartache.
And last but not least: trust.
With this particular puzzle piece, one allows a person within, down to one's deepest core, acknowledging the risk that whomever is granted this puzzle piece, one's trust, could easily leave, and yet accepting the risk anyhow. But maybe, that is the beauty of trust after all. While people have helped me find this piece, people have also helped me abandon this piece as well.
Six months ago, bridges were burned, and this puzzle piece of trust, practically inflamed. Yet six months later, I find myself dizzy, encircling around the single question: am I really ready for this? Ready to give away this piece of trust? After all, this piece is the reason why I had my first heartbreak in the first place. I was finally recovering; how could I possibly give away this puzzle piece? How could I let myself trust someone again? Want to hear my conclusion? That is where a particular person comes along, that kid. That kid scares me. I mean, here I am, giving away this puzzle piece of trust, knowing that he could take this piece and break it, considering it has been broken before. Yet there is something different about that kid. That kid gives me hope. And it is his hope that has given me a reason to give away this puzzle piece, to trust again.
As this year winds down, I find I am completing my own puzzle. Though these pieces may fall apart, I will be ready to stand tall and put the pieces back together. And when all the puzzle pieces are finally put together, that is when I will find peace. This puzzle of peace compiles pieces of mistakes, relationships, love, heartache, even trust. And lastly, this puzzle of peace compiles pieces of me.
And last but not least: trust.
With this particular puzzle piece, one allows a person within, down to one's deepest core, acknowledging the risk that whomever is granted this puzzle piece, one's trust, could easily leave, and yet accepting the risk anyhow. But maybe, that is the beauty of trust after all. While people have helped me find this piece, people have also helped me abandon this piece as well.
Six months ago, bridges were burned, and this puzzle piece of trust, practically inflamed. Yet six months later, I find myself dizzy, encircling around the single question: am I really ready for this? Ready to give away this piece of trust? After all, this piece is the reason why I had my first heartbreak in the first place. I was finally recovering; how could I possibly give away this puzzle piece? How could I let myself trust someone again? Want to hear my conclusion? That is where a particular person comes along, that kid. That kid scares me. I mean, here I am, giving away this puzzle piece of trust, knowing that he could take this piece and break it, considering it has been broken before. Yet there is something different about that kid. That kid gives me hope. And it is his hope that has given me a reason to give away this puzzle piece, to trust again.
As this year winds down, I find I am completing my own puzzle. Though these pieces may fall apart, I will be ready to stand tall and put the pieces back together. And when all the puzzle pieces are finally put together, that is when I will find peace. This puzzle of peace compiles pieces of mistakes, relationships, love, heartache, even trust. And lastly, this puzzle of peace compiles pieces of me.
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