-Pearl Bailey
I have not blogged for over a month. My thoughts are all over the place; my words the same. But I will try to make sense of them all.
She said it was for just 30 seconds. Her heartbeat pounding like a drum, pounding a bit too fast for her reach. In those 30 seconds she was out, out of her own control. And it was that control which was lost, the loss she described two days later. Because two days later, she vividly expressed the irregular, perpetual, unrestrained beats of her heart; the perpetual, unrestrained beats that caught me in this irregular dilemma. Although I saw this answer coming, still I asked for clarification. Althought I saw this answer coming, still I am surprised that I was right.
Arrhythmia.
This is the truth. The truth I blurred out of sight, out of mind. The truth I have hid from for years, yet no longer could I. Just like how the heart attack hit her, the truth hit me. Before I knew it, there it was. The truth, crystal clear. This is not only what my mom died of, but why as well. And the truth is before, I had accepted my mom's loss purposely with empty spaces. Because before, I rather of had a fuzzy comprehension, having thought that just maybe, it would not have hurt as much.
So the truth is, some can survive, but not everyone. And out of bitterness, anger struck me at the thought of this. But here is what I realized. You can give me the history, the a to z's, not leaving out a single detail, yet there will always be so much more to it. I realize now, that no matter what I know, my question may never be answered. I may understand the irregular, perpetual, unrestrained situation. But I will never truly grasp why.
This occurrence happened just this afternoon; an afternoon filled with more realizations than I could have ever imagined. You see, once again, I fell into another panic attack. But this time was different. He use to care, and I would like to believe, in some way, he still does, and even if so, this time was and always will be different. He would have been right by my side. But this time is different. This time, I faced my panic attack on my own two feet. Which scared me, with a kind of fear I never saw coming, because I guess I never saw him leaving.
But here it is. Here I am. This is the truth.
